Perhaps I know why I get this thought that my life is miserable. It is quite obvious that everyone in this world, including God, is unfair towards me. They regard my existence as a message from Hell that the world meeting its demise is close.

Without looking into religious views, maybe because I was always naive in my perceptions to reality. I keep my head up and shine with confidence. However confidence is never a factor to success. People are either born strong to survive in this changing world. Or they are born such that they are not even worth walking this world. I am one of them.

The "strong" people is given rights to "bully" the "weak" socially. They start with high performance in all aspects. They attract attention and become popular people. With so many friends, they can seek to criticize the "weak" people. These "weak" people are then called average or unpopular guys. That's right. People who are only average cannot survive here. This world is meant only for talented people to walk on. If Adolf Hitler still survives on this era, I would be killed first before all the Mr. Popular get welcomed and served a cup of tea.

How biased this world is against me. I find myself just wasting time doing things here. Sow seeds and reap nothing. All these while I can never improve in academy. Worked so hard in Chinese Language and still fail. Took the whole semester of working hard and only 10 minutes of rest between 4 hours of learning proper Chinese. Wrote 15 Chinese Compositions and 8 Chinese situational writings and none of them can get me a fucking B4. All these while, is God trying to tell me I am never supposed to do Chinese and Mother Tongue only serves as a trap on my academy results?

I was unexpectedly in a mood to work out. I felt I need to use up a bit of my energy in sports. I chose basketball. This time was a social challenge to me: Play basketball with friends at 12 noon and suffer huge amount of heat under the hot sun, or reject their offer and "emo" at home. I chose to go with them, of course. Amazingly I scored 2 shots in a 4v4 match. Enemy team composed of 3 pro players and 1 not-so-pro but still quite pro player. While my team consist of 1 pro player, 2 novice players, and me as an adequate player.

Life still is harsh and not decent up here. Surrounded by 2 wierdo siblings, a failure father and my mom. I am supposed the fit successor and breadwinner of the household in the coming future. Just you guys wait!

My apologies to all those who wished me out of home to hang out, play basketball etc.

I have many different presets to why I rejected your offers. First, my parents are getting suspicious of my recent outdoor activities. I found this as an efficient way to lower their suspicions. Also I felt really weak physically after the need for so many trainings to build myself up. These trainings were then thought by me as "worthless". You wanna know why?

Recently, few of my friends said I looked quite fierce these few days. I checked the mirror and to no avail, I really looked stern. Could it be because of an alter of personality in me? Could it be because of those recent events where either I had no chance to visit her and not having anything much of interest to say even if I did see her? I feel lost again.

Does anyone ever experience this feeling where you feel you are gonna explode? This broken feeling sustains in your mind until you can finally find the medicine to release the pain: resolve. For a moment there just now. I went up to her and said the usual "hi". This time, she doesn't even want to look at me. She said not a word. I said not a word. Then finally I murmured with a broken heart, "Hmm... It seems you are in a bad mood... I'm sorry to bother you... really... sorry..."

Any idea how much GALLONS of PURE BLOOD leaked oozed from my big and sore heart? I needed that resolve. It seemed too much amount of bravery is needed to do this as well as too big a task for me. Mission Impossible: Tell her about these few days of problems in me...

Now, I felt this overwhelming force of spiral suction in my mind. As if my life force was traded for emotional disturbs. I wish there was another way to get rid of this "itchy" yet "heavy" feeling, other than opening my chest with a knife and "pulling" it out.

Because my Physics teacher was absent from class, we were transferred to join the people of 3 Respect, those smart-ass nerds and hobos. Then we were taught by Mr Tan. He is really scary and strict. Well... Because I could not find a space behind in the spectrum where our class was held. So I was forcefully transferred to sit on the FRONT LEFT seat. Sad... My friends were at the back slacking while me and some others were tasked to arrange the tables to the front, middle and back. My friends at the back, my "friends" (oh, the irony. Referring to social-rejected nerds) at the middle and only the very one guy from 3 Commitment at the front: ME?! I sat at the most left of the rows of seat where the rest on my right were those 3 Respect guys and girls...

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x.. ... ... ... ...
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... ... ... ... ...
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... ... ... ... ...
. . ... ..... . .
. ... . .. . . . ..

Legends: "--" rep whiteboard, "." rep others, "x" rep where I sit, "__" and "|" rep tables.

People now think I'm a loner. You know what? I would reply, "Fuck them." This is obviously a situation people want me to be a loner. As I've mentioned a long time ago, those who rely heavily on friends while not not wanting to use them are going to die first, followed by those who purposely die for their friends, then those who use their friends to live, then finally those who work tactically together with friends.

Here are a few nonsenses which might clear any doubts to why am I having so many dreams sharing a certain nexus.

1) Oneirology
2) I played too much video games and kept recalling some characters...
3) Too many things are happening in my love affairs.
4) Déjà vu
5) Perhaps these different dreams are actually happening in an alternate, or even actually the real "real" main realm. Only that my mind was conscious as an extra within a certain character. Maybe it is ME as a different person/thing...

Through mutual opinions of people around the world and psychological researches, I have learnt a thing or two. When your long-time-no-see friend appears in your dream, you miss them. If your lover or crush appears in your dream, either you miss her/him or she/he wants to know you more. If your parents appear, you are in trouble tomorrow. I am lost of speech...

You know... These few days were about my studies as well as to restore that physical capability I've lost over those 2 weeks before. It was HELL, training so much and it is not enough. I promised some that I will get tougher, whereas promise others I will not outdo my body and its limits. Hard time here.

Sometimes I even wonder whether she actually hates me now. Do I think? That is the question. Seriously even I could not get accurate answers as those people who answered my questions just cannot resist not hurting my feelings. Isn't it better to feel hurt now than more hurt later? I need opinions to change myself before I can change someone else. Get what I mean? Before I go round helping others, I should help myself first...

And how boring these few days were. Learning new things, doing new homework, going to a whole new different and more painful life. I don't even get that holiday mood no more... Anime got more boring than I have felt it was cool in the past. Facebook is getting more of pain on the neck than a daily chore. Even my once favorite drinks are no longer "favored"...

Confession

Dude, I confess I was once a jerk. I also understand how I wasn't open to thoughts and could not mix along with you guys those days. I was in the wrong. You all must really understand me. I hope that by reading this "short"(oh, the irony) yet complicated post, you can change what you think about me. Not doing this for the sake for you all, but for the sake of... myself... (Here, the horrible truth. S-O-R-R-Y)

My given name is Alvin, Alvin Yeo Chia Sheng. My father unintentionally named me after this solely with beliefs of religious "feng shui". Born in Singapore of a Singaporean Hokkien father and a Malaysian Cantonese mother. Born in 1995, now in Evergreen Secondary as a 15-years old express stream mid-scholar. Born on the 21st of July means I'm a Cancerian by star sign. I believe that my aims or goals are big as Jupiter, yet mysterious as the Moon. Traditionally the second son of the family.

Through other psychological opinions, many second child of a family would differ in personality and view of things from both the father, mother and first child. Example is me. Unlike my father, I am not cheap and would prefer to get a comfortable yet affordable life to balance my ways of earning, spending and saving up allowances, whereas my father would rather eat shit than fast food. Unlike my mother, I resist hurting people in any ways no matter how bad my mentality is going out of control, whereas she would release anger by scolding my siblings while WHACKING THE FUCK OUTTA ME?! Unlike my siblings, they only go down to workout ONCE A YEAR, while I would work out ALMOST EVERYDAY. They love fish and never want to even touch beef, whereas I hate fish and really wished that I could get my hands on those juicy, tempting beef...

I tend to get easily distracted. Many people thought this was a form of E.M.O in me. Rather, I shall explain this: My mind is not a computer. I can only think of ONE THING AT A TIME, OKAY?! I also don't watch porn, or any other form of naked people or sexual activities.

Here, many even start to ponder why am I always so quiet. What I want to say is this: Personally, I'm trying to observe and classify people between characteristics. By doing this, maybe I could try a friendly approach such that we could be friends and maybe hang out for a cup of Big Gulp and even play friendly basketball matches. I can tell that some faggots thought this was "a trap by me so that we could BECOME FREAKING GAYS TO FULFILL MY ANTI-SOCIALNESS?!" WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? MORON, GET A FUCKING LIFE, YOU THINK YOU'RE SO COOL?! Oh, and one more thing: I am not gay, for I am fell for a girl, get it?!

Here is why I always doze off in class. Attentive on the outside yet imaginative on the inside. I kept thinking about this girl's happiness. Who, I shouldn't and mustn't say it. Anyways, we're only a few classes apart. Almost all of the subjects we take are different. With only POA, Combined Humanities and Elementary Mathematics the same. I think I am worlds different from her. I can learn and adapt to new things quickly(want proof?) and love sports. Not trying to boast here, I am but an intellectual and emotional genius. While me here have a hard time mixing with human mid-scholars, she has totally no problems in making friends and mending ways with foes. I have no foes either, just that I am just too "normal" to be noticed. Her status on sports are yet unknown to me thus I cannot assume. But she is really a genius in languages and the Arts. These are the known-to-be mutual interests between us: music, Koreans, Korea and the Universally loved CHOCOLATE!... What I want to know is that answer key to her bright future. I really hope I could bring out that ray of hope and happiness to her. Whether as an angel in Heaven, as a Fallen Angel struggling his life to bring it out, as a demon from the Netherworld who contradicts his evil by touching lights of virtue, or even as a God. I want to play a part for her, I hope at least I could be remembered.

My dreams are totally insane and impossible. I thought some of you might even treat it as a joke. It is after careful considerations that I decided to spill those white beans. You see, even DarkRazor can deem this childish and ridiculously impossible himself. I dream that(exaggerating as Jupiter, mysterious as the Moon): somewhere in this world live dormant DRAGONS ready to perform deeds, good or bad, upon this world, upon us.

So here, I have briefly spilled my truths. I bet no one will read it for being so lengthy. But sure, they will miss out in understanding me. Ah I doubt they even care. I am just normal. Too normal... I Am Real Legend!! >:(

MEH... Screwed up today. I really want to know whether I stink, or that she is officially avoiding me. I... really...

You see. Today was bridging lessons which is meant for every Secondary Threes. Of course I was there, so is she. After bridging lessons I was quite earlier than some other classes other than Band 3 Chem class who dismissed at 12 noon sacrificing break time. We were released at round 12:24pm? Okay here's the sad part. Every day there will always be good and bad news for everyone I guess. Usually in my life the bad news are more severe than the good news in a priority kinda arrangement...

Anyways, me and my group of friends were headed to McDonald in Woodland Mart, Block 768. I thought it would kinda be a test of whether she will even regard me as a friend or not. Maybe my implementations were not effective, or I screwed up BIG times.

I told my friends, "Yo' guys can reserve a seat for me, will ya?"
"For what, why not follow us?" said my friend, in a way that he think I don't care about anything else and he thinks I'm gay(FUCK HIM!).

Anyways, I shooed them to pick a spot for me in McDonald. There, in Circle Green park, I waited for her. Even with my spectacles unequipped, I already sensed her presence. I waited for her. I waited. 3 minutes later, she ain't here yet? Something must be wrong.

I looked again, where she was previously. I even checked my surroundings frequently during that wait. She disappeared.

So... Any opinions or feeling about this situation? My theory is that: like all other humans, she think that I stink and tries to avoid me every now and then...