Every thing that's happened to me... They all have an overall nexus. They are interlinked. The reason why I lost other people's respects; the reason why I turned all quiet and emo for these 3 years; the reason why I gave her the diamond pendant; the reason why I feel avoided by her and that she was totally avoiding me. It all makes sense now. Remember what I said about the alter ego in me?

I don't have a given name. I don't have a surname in me. I am 'invisible'. None in this world can ever feel my 'presence'. Not even Samuel would want to acknowledge me in proper formality. Even emo-Jacky can offend me easily. It's okay to be sensitive, but I am just too over-sensitive. This IS my 'alter ego'.

In fact, Alvin's still alive. Imagine it as dormant power made asleep within a medium of darkness. The real me should be able to accept any jokes from people. I could accept people calling me a chipmunk or Mr Bean without replying "Fuck you!" The kind of people who says this are either jerks or pedophiles.

I shall try to revert. I can do this. Just like jumping and reaching the exit sign on the ceiling.

I gaze at the calendar, it's Friday. I gaze at the clock, it's 10.30pm. I gaze to the sky, it's a really black day. I enter the bathroom(naked) and gaze into the mirror. Wanna know what happened?

First, I looked at the mirror. I saw a guy in the mirror.
There were only the two of us in the bathroom, all alone.

I said, "I'm suffering."
He replied, sternly, "Pathetic. Just SHUT THE %@#& UP and return me my body!!!"

I gave a WTF look and said:
"I can't. I was born to be like this... The miserable Alv-"

He gave an even scarier WTF look and interrupted:
"Were you even born in the first place? Who gave you the name 'Alvin'?"

I pointed my middle finger on him, he did the same.

He said, "Your name is Nothing. MY name's Alvin. Don't take my name and go around being a miserable emo boy. No one in this world like emos. Go back to your La La Land. Leave it to me. I shall take care of things here, Nothing."

I looked at his eyes. Obviously he was staring back. Something seemed really different between us. His eyes showed... fearlessness. I saw pure bravery. I saw a more 'malleable' potential in him. He was like... a thousand times better than the best student of the best class of Secondary 4 classes. He seemed.. impeccably resilient by nature. One who will totally NEVER back down from a fight.

I left the bathroom, feeling overpowered, defeated, soaked in water and wearing a towel over my waist.

Who the hell is this guy? Could he be...?

"Either ways, it's the same..."

I haven't come to a decision yet. It's about whether I should FINALLY give up this relationship. Really there are many things I'm concerned about. There are so many that... Well.. It's hard to explain. But the key point is that I'm a coward if I give up this unrequited love, yet I'm a coward for sustaining this unrequited love.

If I DO give up, I will NEVER forgive myself. So will ALL my friends. Not many people know that I'm not a loveless geek(just like those typical geeks in class without crushes on girls) and that I love a girl named ...... I feel it is alright, for the bigger they(gossips) are, the harder they fall(hurt). Me giving up on someone whom I have wasted all my efforts and ended in failure. Like removing a super-glue stuck rusted nail on the skin on your temple(the part you massage when you suffer from a headache). BX will never forgive me, either. We made a bet with a retarded prize upon my victory, and an awesome gadget stuff upon defeat. Not only that, we will all start to lose on topic available to chat. Yeah, usually my concern shifts to her, so I'm always thought of as a weirdo. I just cannot let go, it hurts. I don't wanna live a loveless life. I don't wanna live among shadows of shadows, anymore. My goal in love life is to achieve... at least... her respect for me...

Anyways, if I don't give up, why am I still a coward?
It's simple. I'm a coward to my own feelings. I am hurting a lot deep down my heart. I am hurt because my existence is absence in her mind now. I also cannot foresee the future; what if something happens to her if I continue loving her in low profile, and what will happen if I finally proposed and end in humiliation? However, within a small dim light, I think: "What if I proposed and succeeded in the end?" What people call "despaired thinking".

Even now, I'm playing Habbo Hotel for a while. I could feel memories flowing inside me, while I'm online... It was fun when someone important to you(friend or lover alike) is online. Those times were really fun.

Apologies for not posting anything. Well... I might limit myself into posting stuffs during the weekends only, unless IF there is an interesting story happening. I have tons of... English assignments. I have 2 compositions and a situational writing to be accomplished by Friday. While the situational writing doesn't have much to speak of, the 2 compositions include: "Write a story based on someone ignoring an important message"... and... "Describe a time when efforts to please someone ended... in failure." There really is A LOT to say about these 2 composition themes. Seriously, how little can you say about a girl whom you cared for so much, so long, yet was oblivious to your concerns and instead chose to ignore you FOR LIFE?!

It would only be right if I was honest... to myself. I just had a word with a childhood friend. He also has as much of problems as I do, once. He said he could handle it. He admitted he was a soloist. He doesn't want to bring his friends into his own conflicts, yet offers to help the same group of friends who offered to help. What a tough guy!

Ahem... Anyways.. I spoke to him about what the hell should I do. I explained it a little different to him, rather than how I would always bring it about (Only similarity is that my tone sounds really, really stupid). His only message was: worthiness.

He asks me whether I was honest about this relationship, and that I had 2 choices. One of which was just to give up on her. The other was... 安部就门...

I am taking things at too fast a pace. I have to slow down. Everything single achievements in this world have to be started from scratch... just like learning Chinese; it takes quite a while to learn 汉语平阴, before starting with 深字, then followed by 成语 and other stuff.

Also in this romance issue, everything also must start from scratch. It just takes a pinch of patience to create a miracle.

Love ,unlike gambling, doesn't require any bit of luck.A born-unlucky guy like me shouldn't and wouldn't have fell in love with a girl if luck speaks for our lives.

I shouldn't give up yet. Instead, I shall slowly do this, for at least I'm NOT alone...