Comeback

  I do hope I'm not the only one who thinks at night... As in allow my mind to keep circulating and let creative ideas, wild ideas, future predicaments, and even horrible memories, run in my head. Well if I do find out that I'm the only one who does so, then it might be a psychological problem already... These days, in order to allow myself to fall asleep, my mind would circulate like a convection current until I become tired, and eventually, my mind blanks out. The conventional, latest time when I actually fall asleep would be around 1am. However, this is the fourth time in my life that I couldn't fall asleep until, like, 4am? Insomnia isn't really much of a deal to me. What worries me is that I really thought too much over something, which gradually fostered resentment, regrets and desolation.

  Last night, I kept asking myself, "How much have I sinned this world? What have I done in my previous life to relinquish His endless saga of judgement on me in this particular life?" There were many other things that I thought of, but so much details couldn't be housed in a single blog post, you see... One day, I might go to the temple with family or friends to voice my troubles to the deities, or go to the church near my apartment to confess my sins... I certainly hope that I won't go astray like spirits lost in their journey to the afterlife...

  Okay... I woke up exactly at 12 noon. During this short sleep, my dreams weren't dreams at all. Rather, they were replays of some of the thoughts that circulated in my mind. One particular replay which is still clearly etched in my mind (right now) was that certain "play" in my heart. If anyone ever experienced the "itch" in the heart which cannot be scratched, I'm pretty sure you'll understand. A very dense resonance; a powerful tone in a song that, once heard, can never be forgotten in life. The feeling of love not for family, but for that special someone.

  The most painful and effective way for one to fully understand the meaning of "Pain" is to experience it himself. I understood it, because I experienced it. Getting hurt and learning something new... Wry, isn't it?

  This is not the end yet. No... There will NEVER be an end. I've bit many bullets already. Bad results, loss of my beloved uncle and grandfather, loss of my parents' trust towards me, social rejections, weakness in many sports, phobias over many things of the occult, conflicts with friends, conflicts with teachers, betrayal of a great friend, loss of friends because of Fate... I've experienced too many painful incidents, yet I'm still alive! My heart still beats, and my arms intact. My brain is still functioning, and my mind flexible, and emotions and sympathy for those around me even stronger. Most important of all, my self-confidence has propagated too much since childhood. I'll try, for one last time in my years of secondary school life, to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness from friends who felt I've betrayed them. Forgiveness from friends who thought of me as an enemy. Forgiveness from friends who were potentially-hurt by my headstrong and reckless decisions. Forgiveness from teachers whom I've burdened by not being responsible enough to set a role model to my classmates whose attitudes were negative and nasty. Forgiveness from friends whom I wasn't able to lend my helping hand to. Forgiveness... (Wow, my heart kinda ached when I thought of this) from the girl, my childhood friend, for not being there for her. I'll do this... Even if I have to kneel and beg and cry, I HAVE to do this.

  P.S. Think I might want to get myself some sleeping pills today. Also, did I sound truthful enough?

Experience

First day of work... Hmm... How can I surprise you all? It was really fun. This may sound insane, but I actually feel proud in being a waiter. I met many customers with an array of personalities but indifferent hospitality towards me. The supervisor was, well... I think I've met him somewhere before... I achieved a whole new set of experience the "Outside World".

Other than just fun, I also faced some difficulties. For instance, when there are no customers, things get really boring. I wasn't the only part-time worker either... There was another girl who was pretty slow in her post, and is also quite shy and sometimes refusing to serve tea to the customers. That caused a huge burden on me, since I got the job done more efficiently.

I also realized that I was one step too forward in my job; I started taking customers' orders when the supervisors instructed me only to serve tea, clear the tables and prepare new settings... Allow me to say that curiosity and talent had brought me one step  ahead of just a regular part-time trainee...

I met and befriended a few people who were much older than me. They either address me by my given name, Chinese name, or simply "Ah Boy". Other than me, there is a senior three years older than myself who resides in the same area as me, in the northern parts of Sigapore. She was the one who conveyed the comments of the supervisor and assistant supervisor on my performance. She told me about the history of how many others once took on this job, but gave up and quitted on the first day of work complaining on the difficuties and how tiring it was. I was, unfortunately, the latest(Hopefully not the last) male part-time worker there. How I wish some of my friends could accompany me so that the joys and burdens can be divided *equally*...

My seniors commented that my performance was outstanding and not sloppy. The only downside was that my smile was not bright enough and looked wry, and I did things too quickly and too confident of myself... What I think of my performance is that there is still a lot of space for improvement, as well as  huge need for someone decent to lend me a hand... A beautiful experience. I certainly hope this good performance isn't simply a "flash in a pan". I will continue to accomplish my duty with this high esteem, and hopefully get over the horrid past...

"Wish us  prosperity!"