Disagreements

Thus far, I have found that I ain't the only one in disagreement with my family. There were also many who posted strained father-son, father-daughter, mother-son and mother-daughter relationships. Many indeed. Not just me. I do know that this buddy of mine, Mr General Election, have many conflicting arguments with his mother, which he mentions usually involve trivial matters like fighting over shoe sizes and so on... I do recall another of my buddy, Mr UV Ray, also suffers strained parent-son relationship. I think he despises both his parents, although it is just an assumption. As for me, my almost-lack-of-trust for my father, as a matter of fact, is quite an obvious one. He doesn't like me for my more-sophisticated and forever-adapting way of life. He despises how I change in order to survive in this world. He despises me for my "abuse" of intelligence to reward myself with complacency(Which I actually don't). On the other hand, I despise his workaholic, easily-brainwashed way of life. I abhor him for being so biased just to show his unusual fatherly love to my two other brothers. I hate him for hardly giving me the freedom to decide my life. I can guess many other people of my age WILL have at least a certain level of disagreement with either of their family members. Maybe just one person of the family... Maybe all of them... Even for me. After I lost faith of my father, lost a small level of trust to my mother, lost a moderately large amount of trust towards my elder brother, and lost complete faith of my younger brother, I had this felling as if I wasn't actually my parent's flesh and bones. I had this bad feeling as if I was actually an adopted child. I had no sense of belonging towards my family. Have I already achieved my own "independence", or have my family already abandoned me long ago? Kinda like a lion among tigers. But no matter how harsh family life can be for me as of now, I believe that I will soon leave my family in search of an independent life. A livable life. Very soon, I will have to take flight from this thrash of a house. I certainly hope that everyone else don't have such a family like mine who can choose to neglect one and only one child, which in my case is me. Very soon, I will escape from all this disagreements. Like how I always tend to fly away from troubles in almost every dreams of mine...

Clash

What a coincidence. I was tossed into the shadows. Again. I can't believe that my school is the only school that will cooperate with that fool of a principal of my Primary School just to screw me up. Primary School closed so early on 2.30pm, and PRELIM ended on 3.30pm. An annual opportunity has been wasted. One that I can visit my childhood friends and long-lost ex-classmates. I can't see how much the school has changed. Rather I've been placed in a place made entirely of misery and abhor. I truly abhor my secondary school. Not only have I met enemies worse than Zhang Wen Han, such as Jacky and accomplices, but also the intentions of the principal of launching forced propaganda to erase our childhood memories and turn us into low-class slaves.

They would choose to shelter daring nerds who volunteer to be their slaves, and shove aside those who don't into the rain of misery. Especially me. I am certainly convinced that my life is indeed tailed by someone in this school. Could be just one person. Could be a group of varying sizes. Could be people who purposely lie to themselves just to perceive me as a blasphemy and carry false hopes of getting rid of my life.It could even be the entire school population who are all in a secret gang who seeks to get rid of people that have resolve and in their school. Maybe I'm the only one who has a resolve...

Do I really have to live my life in the way of an assassin? Careful and always cautious 24/7 and trust absolutely no one? That would mean I have to know how to defend myself physically and emotionally and get rid of my social personality. That would mean I am meant to be an emotionless automaton, which clearly defies my resolve to live. This coincidence in timing, however, also convinces me that my school's principals are planning to turn us into 100% automaton and 0% soul. He's a principal, but he's just THE principal.

There is a path for me to take, which may mean I have to go totally solo for around... TWO more months. A flight that lasts for two months. A flight across the 'Path of Scholarship and Solitude'. If everything's settled, I will prepare to fly in this direction, where perhaps many people will start to see me as an introvert. An anti-social person. A lone wolf like Rui How. Most of my decisions come in many varieties of painful consequences. So God knows what will become of me if I were to... abandon ALL my friends from Secondary School and erase my trust for ALL of them. Perhaps by chance, another coincidence might clash against my path...

Therefore, to my sincerest friends and bros: I'll not be seeing you guys(And maybe girls too) with my 110% for at least two months. But trust me. When all's over, I'll be back to usual. I promise.

Decieving Rumors from Animated Corpses

I have finally found the answer I longed for an entire year... Credits to my critical senses and instincts, again. Guess my buddies are right when they say I'm really sensitive... The thought just came so naturally. Ever since that ass told me in words, "The rumors of you and ... were right."

• [...] refers to another girl whom I'd not like to mention here.

Samuel... Not just Jacky, but Samuel too... Just how many individuals in this world have my existence insulted? Did I say anything in a drunken stupor? Or have I even got drunk before? Do I really deserve all these resentment? Or do I look like a favorable punching bag? Am I the only one who belong to the Royals, and they the Guardians? I don't like fights that involve gossips only, because gossips to hurt a person is very much a soulless battle with a lack of resolve. If he wants to settle a dispute with me, I'd rather he settle it with a good fight. A one-on-one. Not a fight involving face-scarring.

I do remember him knowing that I made a vow "not to fall in love with anyone else". Either he's a patient of severe memory loss, or he's just a social reject and a belligerent skunk. This two years of Upper Secondary schooling and my love life was toyed around by that person who is more familiar with gay relationships than straight ones. He and his accomplices. So we were bound to meet and end up like this? A strained relationship and downfall in studies due to unnecessary and immature friendships. I should have strayed in solitude rather than befriending the likes of these lifeless, loveless nerds.

So ultimately, I have to admit that I have not and never forgotten her yet. Like a permanently-sealed portrait in the gallery of my heart. If only I wasn't destined into 5/6B and made to sit beside her in class back then... Perhaps things would have changed. God played His dice. It landed like this, so I'll just have to accept it if it was really His will for me...

Nightmare

I had a very bad dream last night. It was no doubt a nightmare. The insanity... I could actually remember a lot of it...

I came back home from school. The clock was 5.31pm. I dumped my bag on the sofa as usual. Until when I saw a note on the table. It was written in blood. It read, "...Get your own lunch and dinner... Ingredient's in the kitchen..." I went into the kitchen and saw a horrible thing: My dog laid dead on the floor. Its blood was in the sink. A huge wound was found on its chest. I couldn't believe it. I ran out of the house to find my parents.

Upon leaving the house, instantly, I landed on the street outside Mapletree. I saw my grandmother holding an umbrella and approaching me. He limped towards me like a zombie shot twice on both legs. Then he raised his umbrella and swung it on me. I stepped back very quickly and avoided it. I ran again, as fast as I could north. Then I landed outside Marsiling MRT station.

There I saw my whole family. My brothers playing with their Nintendo DS as if teasing me because I don't have one. My mother raised a pendant on her right hand. She sneered at me. My father holding a very, very thin cane and walking towards me. He swung the stick like a madman hoping to hit me hard and making me cry over the pain he is capable of inflicting. My mother kept saying, "你是最没有用的废物。我要你快点死。去死啊! 死！" She repeated this curse on me. I ran even further away. Until I reached my Primary School.

The place was empty... There was no wind nor rain, but it was really cold. I walked slowly to the canteen out of exhaustion and fear. I looked around, first towards the direction of the basketball court, then towards the direction of the parade square. I turned around from there and was shocked to find two people there: That girl, and a stranger who was familiar. Slowly, I began to recognize him. That man, standing taller than the others, was... Evo Lin. Then I saw her raise up the very same pendant my mother held up previously. She turned around and tossed the pendant over the fence of the school. Then she hugged the guy and started kissing him and...

I woke up. I looked at the clock, which flashed 3.45am. I found myself shirtless, sweating and my eyes were wet. Could this actually be... life...?

But still... I'm alright. It's just a nightmare. This will never happen, I swear... Well, maybe the part my grandma try to hit me with his umbrella might happen.

i-2-i Reflection

"Mirrors do not tell lies."

I saw it with my own eyes. Not HER, but IT. Through uncertainty, I could get into more trouble. Thus I dismissed myself and ran straight home. It wasn't a short route back. But I ran. Ran. Ran without a destination. Ran as if my troubles can disappear. Ran as if I could escape from all those mind games. Until when I reached home...

I finally understand many things. My eyes were tainted. Tainted with many horrible things. That not everyone can be trusted. Not even the best of friends. Not even brothers, neither related by blood nor related by fate. I am referring to R.H the sob from Christ Church. Can he be trusted with secrets? NO. Fancy him telling people to 'spill the' beans when he himself can't do so. Helping others and helping himself is indifferent from harming others and himself. I could understand his intentions of sparking up life during dinner by gossiping about school principals. However he will forever remain as a Gemini of a gossiping nature. Perhaps he was indeed jealous of me being so 'outstanding' because of my often-cocky nature. He'll forever remain as the jerk everyone see. I don't want to bring up issues about him anymore, for who knows what logic-defying answers he might bring up should I open up my worries towards him. He'll probably have to save his sorry ass before he can help me. ~Gravity is a bitch.

BX... He's changed. Quite a lot. At first I didn't want to bring up my troubles which I initially thought to be 'annoying and blatant' to him. However he's willing to help, while pulling up smiles to communicate his understanding towards me. I am both thankful to him, as well as sorry to the all of them for being such a spoiler then. But still... Perhaps my mind could rest with ease the next time we meet again. Perhaps if everything here's settled. Maybe when the 'O' Levels are finally over. ~Burn on against the dying of the light.

Nothing much to talk about for Bran. Since I've never said anything to him about my troubles. But still I appreciate him for his care for me when I was moody just now. ~Let the wind run freely in the sky.

My eyes. Inherited the brown of my parents. But an unnatural hue of 'Tyrian Purple' not an inheritance. The mirror reflects me. I'll have to answer myself this time. No more need for help from anyone else. I appreciated and is thankful all everyone who offered to help me. I know myself best. Thus I know what I want, what I need, and what I must. No more sweat be broken. No more tears be shed. And no more blood be spilled. For I have to bring myself back up. I can still survive this outrage. I will survive. Survive by relying on my extraordinary instincts, which my mom calls "a special gift from God". Talents. Potential. All that remains is to be stable. In the body and in the heart.

If someone was to remind me not to badmouth her anymore, that person shall be herself. Now the both of us will have to save each other to save ourselves. Let Him flip this coin.