Respect Fear

A person born of noble blood raised among commoners, how difficult life would be in the future...

  From now on, I declare myself a DEVIANT and declare that I wasn't raised by parents. I was brought up by common folks. I was fed by my own hands, and I was taught my languages solely by books. I lived on the hard-earned salaries of simpletons, and now my life is the price I must pay. I was being raised to respect fear.

  The vision of my future is not just clear, but duller than the color of a beggar's rags. I can see myself with an income less than that of the future I can have if I had my own choice to make. I can see myself not visiting my 'parents' in their ages. I can see myself fighting with my 'brothers' in our 30's. My life would be... Ugly. So ugly that I dare not mention and even feel my heart ache a bit just thinking about it.

  In my status, I guess many people of my age suffering the same Fate as me would have hung themselves already. However, I am not dead. Not dead yet. I am still led by an ephemeral belief that I still have hope of... Umm... Love. I am still led in my life by the confidence of not giving up from someone, even though we might never see each other ever again... Truth is... What I am actually afraid of right now are two things: She might end up with some guy who will make her regret, and my 'parents' will continue pinning me in their pigs' sly and not allow me to protect her. I am worried my 'parents' will keep me in 'prison' and eventually force me to sever ALL my friendships in the attempt to humiliate me for not having friends when my 'brothers' have.

  I have grown tired and sore of this life. I figured out that I might do better out there by myself. I might achieve better things with my independence, which my 'parents' never will give me. They don't believe in me. Even then before the 'O' levels, my 'mother' told me she believed in me, but those might just have been the words of a pathetic drunkard. She didn't respect me for who I am... She just respected the fear that had driven her superego. She is nothing more than a sinner.

  This few chapters of my life have been more of an elegy than an autobiography. I want a newer and better chapter, and will have to continue rotting under the 'supervision' of commoners for a few more years before being able to venture into a new life.

  I made all this fuss because of the frustration of my 'parents' wasting ALL my EFFORTS placed into PURE sciences which could have given me a better standing in a JUNIOR COLLEGE and not just a POLYTECHNIC. Sometimes I wonder if I even HAVE parents... Sometimes I have imaginations that I was actually adopted rather than born by them. Then sometimes I believe that these imaginations are actually true. My self-control and disciplines are breaking down already. Someone else is controlling my life. Some 'parents' are ruining my life by stealing my freedom. I will never forgive them. Maybe in the future, I will not want kids of my own... For I don't want them to respect the fears of commoners like me from when I was young.

Talents

  It had been five days since I posted something, and perhaps more than a week since I have posted something decent. Even I am not sure myself what "decent" actually meant. What I know is, whenever something troubles me, or I have something I feel like sharing, I will post it in no time(that is if I am free that day). Not that I am ALWAYS troubled like how The Depressed Guy ALWAYS see. Sometimes I wonder, when will I finally have a proper TALENT in a certain something, like sports or prophetic intuition or impeccable tactics in chess...

  Today, I am not troubled over anything, so don't expect me using any vulgarities. Oh! By the way, I have managed to get over the choice of Polytechnic course over Junior College already. It just took me some convincing from my mother (who started the conflict in the first place), my brother (who supposedly has experience over such matters given his age), and most of all, myself (for being so easily convinced). But, just don't expect me to get influenced into smoking, because I am all-out against smoking.

  I remember those difficult times when I tried to pursue different interests I had to develop the talent for it. I had this straightforward mindset that:

"Talents are not BORN in a person but are MADE."

   I tried badminton and ended up making a fool out of myself using two hands to handle the racket, mistaking the shuttlecock for a baseball. I tried swimming and developed a certain constitution that allowed me to hold my breath underwater for a full minute, but never developed that streamlined figure to propel myself as fast as an Olympian trainee. I tried soccer, and slid and fell on the grass patch every single time when trying to snatch the ball, and ended up more like a wrestling royal rumble match than a team soccer match. I also tried basketball, and certainly developed an interest in it, although I sucked in it and improved at a rate slower than a snail. I wanted to try rugby, but was afraid to hurt people by tackling, and feared the mental images of submissions that break the limbs and rib-cage of fellow opponents and teammates.

  Other than sports, I have also tried out activities that required mind and logic. Among them, one of which is obvious: Chinese chess. I played and lost. Played again and lost. I kept playing and losing and never gave up that, in the very end, I ended up winning because my opponent gave up and gave me a chance to win by purposely making a fatal mistake to let me win. It could have either been out of compassion and not wanting to hurt me, or out of exhaustion because their opponent ultimately never got defeated. There is also another thing which I can gladly admit is not a talent for me and I suck in: video games. Unnaturally for a boy like me, boy... I seem to be the only gamer in this world that never took any video games seriously. That could be a reason why I seem to be able to get along with girls more than some of my friends, although I doubt that chances are even high for that.

  In my four years of secondary school life, I have never really found something I am good in, as in activities or competitions. Many of my peers always told me that I am talented, and my teachers always encouraged ME that I have a far bigger potential than my other peers but haven't found it yet. I wonder what my three cronies from Primary School have to say about this though...

  Talents... If there was some kind of object to compare them with, I would really like to know what it is. Sometimes I believed that my personal confidence, resilience and determination might be an inner talent in me, although they are merely human qualities. Then sometimes I believe these qualities are the KEYS to newer, or even unknown, talents in me. Maybe I can become a decent asset in team-plays, or maybe I can even become a great leader. Whatever it(or they) might be, let Time answer to that. In a few years, or a few months, or even a few days... I will never give up in life until I see it(or them).