A Game Of "Avoid The Eyes"

  The rules are simple: Try not to look at the eyes of a person you know but didn't acknowledge in a train packed with strangers. Whoever is found looking at him or her, both parties lose. I played this game with this girl, unintentionally, and guess what? We lost... at least three times.

  Sure, it was of pure coincidence that I met her in the train today. Worse still, my MOM was with me. Obviously my mom was unaware that I was with a friend where our friend-relationship is already awkward. Well... I will not jump into multiple conclusions this time. A pessimist would know that I am guessing she is hanging out with her boyfriend in Bishan. On the other hand, my enhanced sense of Instinct tell me that she was going to work in Bishan.

  I knew right from my heart(the most foolish part of our body) that I missed her, since we totally never chatted with each other for more than a year already. I couldn't get rid of my conscience that acts on me to make me keep looking at her face. That only brought about even more guilt in me whenever she saw me looking at her, causing my view to "deflect" elsewhere in the speed of light.

  If only friendship and love was two totally different matters... If only puberty never involved "the victim having a crush on his girl best friend"... If only that stupid gift I gave her back then in 2010 was made of plastic rather than diamond... It might not be too late yet. It might not be the end for us yet. I see a certain beacon of light for me to recover from this depression. I see a way for our friendship to repair.

  Truth is, I only want to seek amends with her, and maybe just become friends again... I just wanna be friends with her like how I am with BX, Bran and Rui How right now... Nothing else matters anymore. No more.

This is a pretty pathetic post... I am not using my language to post this... Truth is, I never really intended to post anything. But then the pure coincidence of me encountering an awkward friend of mine made me post this. I guess this is what blogs are for... A life journal meant to be disclosed unless chosen not to....

Workaholic or Plain Life?

  Yesterday I learned a lesson which I ought to have learned three weeks ago. I have learned that job and social life are two totally different matters. That money and pals are two totally different assets of one's life, with the latter being invaluable. One can use money to buy friends, but the friendship will never last long. Selling friends for money is also an option, but who could bring himself(or even herself) to do that? It is the one of the biggest sins we can ever imagine. Apart from the internet, there is another root of evil in this world that can destroy Man's emotions and personalities, or simply mutate them. This root of evil is pretty obvious to me, although it may not be to some: Overworking.

  I am so glad I have friends. I am so glad I am self-aware of my own health and fitness. I am so glad I am one of those into sports like basketball and occasionally swimming. I am so NOT glad that I saw one of the most horrible image in my life: An UNDEAD co-worker. Pale and oily was her face, oddly misshapen in the impact of working too much without friends to socialize with. I shall not go too much into details, for I don't want to say too much about this person's looks. The only good thing that's ever happened to her is that she received much better pay than me for working so much as 6-days-a-week full-time shifts with rests barely two hours. Indeed am I relieved that the customers are not terrified by her, because of her act-cute tactics, although I hardly see any recognizable success in them. The customers that day were really nice people, so lucky that she didn't get any assholes who love criticizing people(Jacky, for instance) for customers. Well, I doubt Jacky even have enough money to feed himself in a fancy a-la-carte restaurant since he always relies on his dad's low income and prefers to waste his extra time playing basketball than finding a job.

  Friends are the fundamentals in one's life. And I mean GOOD friends at that. Be it newly-made friends, or childhood friends, or school colleagues. No point befriending people and then leaving them for dead in the next minute. 'Easy come, easy go' friends have never worked out before. I experienced loneliness a few times some time ago, and I understand the pain in it. No one knowing how to chat with you... Nothing to chat about... Nothing mutual to chat about... That time was because I had left myself out of the horde rather than them leaving me out(Maybe the Jacky case is a huge exception). Well... Now I have great friends to play basketball with from secondary school, and some awesome cronies from primary school, and now I should prepare for the next step in my academic life. Who knows what kind of people I might meet? Maybe they are great swimmers who can dive and swim underwater very quickly and hold their breath very long and able to challenge me? I am not trying to boast here, but I have never raced anyone in a competitive swim before, other than my brothers. Maybe they can play basketball as well as The Emotionless Commando? Maybe the new people I met are those whom I can joke around with, without losing their temper as quickly as The Depressed Guy. :P

  Looking back in my past, I do suppose I was quite the workaholic because of the GCE 'O' Levels. My pale face was ever so pale. My eyelids resemble those of the cute, furry and unstoppable PANDAS. I fell sick very quickly. I overeat way too much, and yet I couldn't grow some fats. I ate too many unhealthy and uncool stuff. I couldn't do anymore somersaults, and my barrel-rolls too longer than 2 seconds. BUT that was the past. I do understand the pain and discomfort of being a workaholic. However, I have yet to invent the definition behind this word "Exhaustion"...

The Day

  I don't think I can keep my cool any longer. There are just too many things to worry about in the future; much more than last year when we had to prepare for the GCE 'O' Levels. For what I know, I might have been the one facing the most challenges in that time. From striving for good results, to building the resolve to rehabilitate with this friend of mine who misunderstood my good intentions two years ago. I wasn't the type of guy to just give up on life. There are outside forces which keep bringing me up to fight, no matter how tough the going gets, and no matter how many times I have fallen. Fighting conflicts with my resolve for success, is that not human nature? The 9th of January will be the day when we graduates get our results which will finally decide where we go: Junior College for the aspiring scholars or Polytechnic for those with a more lax nature. It will also be the last day when I finally get to see many secondary school friends. Probably the last day too, when I get to see my primary-school-friends-who-also-made-it-to-the-same-secondary-school-as-me, like... Well... Ze Quan, Muhaimin, Gilman, Charlene, Serene, Wei Min, and many others whom I seem to have forgotten that they belong to Greenwood Primary School too. So... The 9th of January is indeed The Day.

  I couldn't get myself to sleep until around 3am, unintentionally having those thoughts and flashbacks of my secondary school horrible experiences haunt me in my sleep. Just too bad I am already grown-up, that I cannot shed anymore tears over what we know as pasts. I was hurt far too many times by many kinds of negative people to even know what true sadness is. People like Jacky. Well... He ain't the only one who hurt me in the past. There are others too... Well, I will not post their names so as not to hurt them. Well... Maybe I might have mentioned one of them in the previous posts... or even this post... But still, I would like to say it from my heart that I have forgiven that person, but NOT fully. Yet. Let The Day we meet decide whether I will ever be the same merciful guy that everyone knows who I am.

  I have never failed to be forgiving towards anyone in my life. I realized that forgiveness is indeed the virtue to counter its cardinal sin: Wrath. I never punched anyone intentionally. I never hurt anyone out of hatred. However, my ability to be virtuous in this very context have already been taken for granted by some people. People like that Jackass. He was indeed lucky that I was forgiving to let him off ALIVE. If I wasn't, I could have turned him into a cripple, or even killed him and dumped his corpse in a river. I mean, anyone who didn't possess a shred of decency could have done so immediately. That sadist was lucky enough to have been granted a chance to seek amends. I gave him that chance; it is up to him if he would walk the right path and be civilized. Should he fall into that pit again... Sorry. My helping hand is already too wounded to help him up. There are some others too who ought to be self-aware. If they don't, oblivion could kill them right away. Death isn't a game, you know... The Day Death knocks on their door will be The Day when they refuse to change for the better, as well as the day when I am no longer there to help them.

  Fate... I believe in Fate now. It is not a person. It is not an object. It is not a quality either. It is the side of a coin God had flipped for us. It is the die God had rolled for us. I believe that Fate gave me such great friends. I believe that Fate brought me such an atrocious jerk for a nemesis. I believe that Fate had gifted me a strong, resilient resolve to fight for what I want: Friends, Future and Love. Fate had nurtured me into the most resilient 'gladiator' in the Colosseum of Injustice. That is why I might sometimes find myself fighting like a zombie when I actually needed a simple half-hour rest. That is why I had said to my Primary School bro that "Exhaustion is not in my dictionary". I believe in Fate, and I trust that Fate can bring upon a more desirable future for the all of us. At least the self-proclaimed prophet's ideology of the world ending this year was simply due to jealousy of many people performing better than him, and depression because his ideology will never happen. Trust me, even my sky-high esteem tells me that the world never ends. That is why the world is ever so round.

  I hope things will not be ugly when we get our results on The Day.