Phobia-Inversion

"Face your fear to overcome it."

I remember there was once in Secondary Two when we were in a Bonding Camp. A camp that trained us to harness teamwork among our fate-assigned comrades. I was grouped with a bunch of people who weren't proactive. "Easy come, easy go" was their mindset at the beginning. So was I. On the second day of the camp, we tried the "Flying Fox" thingy. According to our instructors, it was just like an attraction in an amusement park. However they weren't serious. In my group's turn, I volunteered to be last, with hopes that I could avoid the trail altogether. Back then, I was aerophobic. But volunteering to be the last, although tempting, was by far the worst thing ever to be done. As people were sent to 'hell', they screamed. They were afraid that the rope would snap and send them down in a flurry of pain and hopelessness and hit the ground with an impact of horror and regret. Of course that never happened. When there were only the three of us left in the group, a huge crowd was already gathering below us. My group(those who finished), along with three other curious groups of people, watched helplessly as the other two girls who have yet to try shed tears of fear and hesitating. They cried, "I'm too scared. I don't want!" Yet they were still pushed down the Flying Fox by the instructors into their fears. Funny thing was, as their journey slowed down as time passed, their fear was overcome with excitement and amusement. When their burden was over, they laughed, "That was fun. I wanna try it again!" Then it was my turn... The instructors felt my feets were shivering. Yet I showed no signs of nausea nor fear. "You confident?" They asked. Truth was, I was pretty scared. A maelstrom of fear and nausea within my mind, and a poker-face on me to the instructors. As they finished the preparations, they attempted to push me. But I stopped them from doing so. I told them, "I can do this myself. Trust me." They laughed, I smiled. Unlike others who were 'sent down' by the instructors, I jumped down in my own accord. Totally opposing my own human instincts. As I felt the absolute downward force on me, the phobia-inversion occured. My fear was overcome. I felt the crushing wind on me. The people below me also cheered and laughed with astonishment for my spontaneous courage, whcih at first seemed strange to me, then subsequently it was pride. I felt pride as I was able to overcme my aerophobia. Since then, I hoped for another try in the Flying Fox one day. Also I was inspired after the phobia-inversion: a childish dream of being able to fly and soar in the sky one day... Well... I just wanted to share this today because I had consecutive dreams of being able to fly. They weren't nightmares. Just that I liked the feeling of being able to lift myself off my feet for more than a second. Really felt cool when I was able to defy the laws of Gravity without being condemned for doing so. Wouldn't it feel great if one was able to take off from the ground, touch the clouds and feel the breeze from above the ground? Strange thing was... Those dreams I had doesn't include floating and drifting along the atmosphere. It was something like I had to run and accelerate, then when I reached terminal velocity(which in layman's term, maximum speed), I had to start running with my hands on the ground like most quadrupedal animals do, then finally push myself up from the ground using all my four limbs with absolute force upon reaching the second stage of terminal velocity. Really fictional, but if you can visualize it, you can decide for yourself whether it is cool or dumb. I won't judge anyone for despising this, because it was Just A Dream.

What Upsets Me

Most of the time when I look "down" or appear as if my mouth was kept shut, it would be due to the extreme ulcers in my mouth. It hurts. Salt also doesn't do me any good. It'd be like slitting my wrist with a penknife. Is it worth it? Is it even worth the pain...? What upsets me is that the 'O' Levels are only 13 more days from the first paper. Time is ticking in every second I type this blog. I know what's right and what's not. I have to give in my attention toward excellence in the 'O' Levels. It isn't just the support from teachers(which appears really extreme to me) and parents(which is almost non-existent). It isn't a test. The 'O' Levels are like a huge mirror surrounding the whole of Singapore. It reflects not on how well we are prepared physically; it reflects on how much we have dedicated ourselves to strive, how much have we, not just as students but as youths, displaced our true potentials from our ever-growing resolves? The 'O' Levels mirror also has a post-it note attached to it, saying, "The strong-willed will survive, and the weak left behind." This may sound ridiculous, but I am partially uncertain whether I fall under the strong-willed category and continue to journey onwards, or stranded with the weak category like manure left for the grass to feed? What upsets me is that I barely experience hospitality within my school. I don't feel a sense of friendliness in many people in my school. Perhaps they were born prejudiced, believing that their quest in life is not to excel but to cripple. Maybe they slept in CCD periods and never knew the true Definition of a "friend". Maybe they only see love in people of the opposite sex, and never love among friends. Team-work... Is it a value? Or is it just two linked words bearing no meaning at all? Mercy... Is it a virtue, or a sin? Friendship... Is it a bond, or a tool? Perhaps it was ate that led me to this school to realize more about the outside world. The truth behind humanity. What upsets me is that my longest-known friend seems to be crumbling. He is fatigued. Christ Church Secondary might have been a harsher reality than my current school for him. God sure plays His dice over our Fates, unbiased. He is miserable. He wants sympathy, which people with sympathy will only say, "Oh, what a poor guy..." before leaving him alone. He never knew compassion existed in his TRUE cronies which he took for granted, mistaking it for perpetual sympathy. His friendship with me, the wistful prophet and the soldier boy is strained. He asks for sympathy from us. We gave him not sympathy. We gave him something invaluable: compassion. We flashed a light for him in his dark pit. But why does he refuse to see the light and shut his eyelids? He wants to live in his shadow? He wants to accustom himself into a life of only depression, loneliness and agony? He favors pain over making an effort? What can I do as his 8-years-long bro? Nothing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Maybe the only thing I can do is pray for him... What upsets me is that I fail as a MAN when it comes to boy-girl relationship. Why do I sense fear? Why am I retreating and hiding from her? Is my instinct acting against my will? Why am I so different from my usual self whenever someone brings her name up? I have yet to reconcile with her. I have yet to apologize sincerely in the name of my Chinese given-name's third character: "诚". I just can't let go of her... This heart-swelling resolve strangles the soul of love of mine. The more I push it, the more it propagates. It knows no bound; it might go beyond the limits of human sanity. I might die from heartbreak one day(I SAID MIGHT, NOT WILL). The countless times I deny to my love for her only pushes my heart-swelling more. All those talks with those in my school who believe I still liked her are rather futile. I told them, "I've already given up on her." Those words are like words with forced meaning, which will still grow in me. Anoter problem is that some of the girls who have a crush on me are still kept in the dark. I feel as if I have no guts to tell them about this. Why does that girl lay upon such painful impacts on me? Whenever I see her name anywhere, a maelstrom of nostalgia and regret stirs in my heart... So many things worry me. But I must not, and NEVER, lose hope. My not-so-close friend, Jun Peng, was right to have dragged me to the motivational talk. He made me learn a lesson, that "many tasks in one go may seem difficult, but always, always take one step at a time". Important and urgent... Urgent... Important... Not important nor urgent... The first shall be the 'O' Levels. After all I have to secure a safe future for myself. I have to mess my own life before messing with others'. Pretty indifferent from I have to save myself before saving others. I shall not waver. Yet. After the 'O' Levels, I can break down and cry and hurt myself and scold vulgarities in the public for all I care. Because I know what has to be done first has already been done. I shall repeat my motto. Again.

"I Will SurviveTo Do What Is Right."