Thaumaturgy

  The ability to work wonders and miracles, from nothing to anything.

  I only learned of this word not long ago, and I thought it might be interesting to share with you guys particular word. Those who practice it, the thaumaturgists, are those who are able to work wonders even out from scratch.

  Examples of thaumaturgists include Saint Gregory of Neocaesarea, Saint Menas of Egypt, Saint Nicholas of Myra, Saint Seraphim of Sarov, Saint Anthony of Padua, Saint Ambrose of Optina, Saint Gerard Majella and Saint John of Kronstadt.

  Notice that these famous people are referred to as Saints? Saints, in my opinion, has two different meanings:

1. Those who were once 'contacted' directly by an immortal, their Fates entwined to the divine plane.
2. Those who perform deeds of virtue so frequently in their life that helping others seem more of a habit than an effort.

  Maybe that was once, and maybe is still my drive towards living in this world. I know my stuff: I know that most of the time I make decisions with 100% compassion and 0% tact in life, even without knowing that I behaved that way. I mean, maybe some of you guys may have sort of observed this quality in me. Well, maybe not. I am not, however, trying to conclude that I am actually a Saint. Well, maybe not yet, maybe not, maybe never. One should never be certain of one's reach towards power of any kinds.

  I am not an atheist. I do have my faith on Chirstianality and He who is thy Father of All, although I was banned from ever stepping into a church for piety after that little incident with my 'grandmother' discovering my choice of Faith. Still, my point is, even though He guides our Destiny, He never actually grants us a certain vision of our future, and I don't really think He directly changes us for who we really are.

  I may or may not fully satisfy the second criteria, but I know for myself that I have never actually seen Him in my life, let alone speaking with Him. Therefore, I don't think I qualify to be a Saint.

  However, I will never stop trying to work wonders. I will keep trying to do something to change myself, my close ones and the general society for the better. No matter how small it is. I want to be a Thaumaturgist. I want to be a wonder-worker.

I want to make miracles happen.

Injustice

  What is worse than the injustice of society, is that you can do nothing about it. I am really frustrated these days that I am a hapless victim of injustice and can do nothing about it. I can't do anything to help. Sure, I may have done something to help myself and the people around me. They are small. However, problem is, this injustice keeps propagating like AIDS, and yet I can do nothing about it. Thus, over the years, I have grown into a paranoid individual who lives in constant fear of conspiracy: Someone is out there to get me.

  So some may be wondering, have I finally gone mad and insane that I am starting to rant about whatever things have gotten into me out of this paranoia? Well, here is a recount of the things that caused me to start behaving this way:

  Last Saturday, on the 17th of November, that tranny bitch of a granny (my 'grandmother', the Baron of Toilets and Lack of Hygiene) got into an accident. Well, it wasn't an accident. He was crossing the road without a zebra crossing, which by law was illegal. Then a car approached and, seeing him, honked at him. He was shocked, fell down and injured himself. So my 'parents' went to help, and now he is currently on leave from cleaning the toilet.

  He spends most of his time at home invading the toilet, bossing around like a bitch, and whining like one. I am forced to 'show respect for the elderly', even though I have to put through with all the judgement he has on me; that I am brash, rude, good for nothing, disrespectful, dishonest, lazy, worthless... Gosh there's so much more!

  Then on Monday, during Statistics for Business lecture, my friends and I were already starting to get the hang on the lecture. However not everyone had the same attention span as us. The class behind ours, the class on the far left corner, the classes at the back: They were busy with their own personal conversations and stuffs. The lecturer too had a limit in tolerating them. That limit broke. Then the lecture was only 40 minutes long before he stomped out of the lecture theater in a rage. What's more, he seemed to brand my class as rowdy and inattentive too, despite what I said earlier. The lecture was disrupted, and our learning progress in Statistics was sabotaged.

  Not long ago, I woke up in a pretty bad mood at around 11am. I went to prepare myself for the day and get myself a cup of coffee. By the way, I have no lessons on Wednesdays. So there was the usual judgement from that bitch and stuff like that. I wanted my mood to brighten a little, and thought maybe I can share my personal troubles (The second event in this post) with my 'mother' whom I first thought was approachable. Then to my dismay, she didn't even listen. She didn't even care for what I wanted to say.

  "Were you even listening to me?" I asked.

  She gave me the glare, as though I was joking and that I was annoying. Then she said, "I don't want to listen to you, since you don't even listen to your elders. Why should I care?"

  Some of you do know that I am pretty soft towards these kind of things, right? So I asked her one last thing, "Then if I go mad one day, will you still not care?"

  She actually agreed. She said, "Yes, I don't."

  I couldn't take it; I felt emotionally attacked. Then... I went to lock myself up in my room to post this, by the way. Halfway through this post, she kept whacking the door and forcing me to open it. Then she got my 'father' to shout at me to open it. When I did, they kept shouting at me without even understanding the things I have gone through. They continued to reprimand me; the paranoia and emotional mayhem in me makes me believe that they are conspiring against me and are treating me as something worse than a dog.

  My current Poly friends are mostly unapproachable, and I do not want to bother them with what seems like petty misunderstandings. Then something tells me that I should not tell this to my closest friends as they might still be studying. So I am left alone, with all the odds against me. I have to bite every bullet shot at me, even if my row of teeth shatters and breaks. It's either death or eternal conspiracy. Even right now, I am left with almost nothing to defend myself.

  I have thought of some ways, which however are unavailable to me at this point of time..

• One of which is to confide my troubles with a psychiatrist, but how can I do so at this time? I mean, even after I did so for several rounds, it never helped...
• Another idea is to pray in a church, but I am no Christian and I kinda doubt piety can stop injustice. 
• As I mentioned before, my close friends are busy right now, and I really don't want to bother them. 
• Gaming will not help me, as I had made a vow to stop my gaming life to avoid another round of gaming addiction.
• Parents? Do I actually have parents who care?
• Siblings? They too don't care and rather choose to ignore than get into the same boat as me.
• I am too young for alcohol, and I never intend to drown my sorrows.
• Revision cannot help, and I doubt I can concentrate on my homework with all these troubles in me.
• I drank coffee, so I can't sleep.
• My dog is kinda afraid of me right now for what I have done to it by accident.
• I searched the Internet for help, but to no avail.
• I made a vow to quit 9Gag, and I don't intend to turn back.
• My music library is too plain for my actual liking, so how does it help if I don't like it?
• I don't have any movie at home to watch and forget my troubles.
• I am not the kind to go back to browsing old photos. Even if I do, these photo only reminds me of how many problems I had to solve myself.
• I feel kinda uneasy with approaching my crush, even though I did a couple of times when we were close friends. Now we are distant friends. And by the way, I don't have a girlfriend.
• I will never, EVER indulge myself in drugs and tobacco. Even if marijuana becomes legal.
• Working-out was once a good idea for me, but now not so.
• No... I am a virgin, and I don't watch pornography.

  Finding so many solutions, and yet none of them seem to be able to work out for me. It is so irritating! So... What can I actually do to help myself out of this injustice?