Loss And Lost

  Boy... I had never felt so embarrassed before... Being told off by a friend who is a girl about my personal ambitions... She even told me publicly to "follow my heart" and pursue my dreams. My dreams of a higher education had been hammered and shattered by my family, who were obviously reluctant on allowing myself to stress out. Such cowards unwilling to take risks. Worse still, they are MY PARENTS. I, the son and mid-born of the family, deviates because he is an enthusiast and a risk-taker? Anyways, that is not my point in this post. A quote stimulates the wrath of my mind as I cannot help but feel disgusted by the hopelessness of someone:

"Failure to acknowledge one's great friendship, is that not failure in life?"

  I have to admit that even though I am a calm and forgiving guy, I am still pretty pissed off by people that can never be changed. Like some jerk who declines help, puts on a bravado stand, and cripple altogether. This guy is no other than the second longest person whom I have met and still remember(The first is Gilman), The Depressed Guy. Does he take kindness for naught, and sympathy as a reward? What does he think the three of us are, his lackeys?

  Recently, he had hinted to us that he no longer want to recognize us as the people who are willing to support him. He has succumbed to his own darkness. Calling himself "his shadow" and his shadow "himself". Can he not see the light in the darkness, and the darkness in the light? There ain't no such thing as "absolute darkness", nor is there an "absolute light".

  Nothing in this world is perfect. No wonder many people despise his principles... He is always depressed over his personal self-deceptions that everyone in the world hates him. Worse still, he puts on such high demands for himself... Such immortal standards... Does he image himself as a God, or a Death God, or some nerdy term for immortality? His life is clearly led by the lust for purity and perfection.

  He has- No... "Had" would be a proper term... He HAD three great friends since childhood(Not early childhood, but a later one as in 8~10 years-old). None of us had intentions of harming or hurting him. We had hopes that he could bring himself up in every fall. We had hopes of him being a capable and strong-willed man. Had he given up on us? An even more irritable question would be: Had he given up on himself?

  Seriously... Who were the people who backed him up in his 8 years of struggle? Does he not recognize his cronies? While our two other friends(Though they may no longer be his anymore), The Soldier and The Prophet, have doubts of this restrained bro-relationship with him and their disappointment towards him breathe in fire, inferno and flame, I can't help but question doubts of whether he is still there... I can't help but imagine his mental whereabouts leaving his psychopath of a physical medium...

  But... No. I have NOT given up on him yet. Remember my previous post reflecting on my resilience and who had inspired confidence in me? I will never leave him. Even if he refuse help... I will continue to observe him. I will continue to be his childhood friend... and STRIKE when he is at his wit's end. I trust him.

A Rivalry

  Even until now, having the need to accept the fact that I am not cut-out for a College still bothers me. I have the passion and confidence to study in a College, but it seems that SOME PEOPLE do not approve of my high aspirations and chose to discourage me to COMPETE with the entire Singapore 'O' Level graduates population for a position in Polytechnic, which I could easily fathom the five Polytechnics to be even more crowded than those years... Until I have finally made up my decision, which will lay a huge impact on my career life, social life and individually, I will have to stay in this state of loss and indecisiveness.

  Remember Jacky? The rivalry I had him? I discovered the cause of it, as well as the outcome. I once despised  that asshole for jacking into my life(Jacking, geddit?) and ruining it. I also hated him for not taking our friendship  seriously. But that was the past. Now the battle has already concluded. The winner is me. How did I win? Simple: Our results are the factors to this. While I have a bigger freedom to choose my tertiary education, he doesn't. He is one of the underachievers of our school. I also noticed that he has changed in looks ever since these two months of holidays: Gone is his once adorable and chubby looks, replaced by the hairstyle and demeanor of an outlaw... a slacker... a gangster. He has changed so much that no one recognized him at first. Friends started asking me, "Is that Jacky?" They chose the right person to ask. I knew at the very moment he entered the school premises that he was Jacky by... well... questionably, my instincts. He had lost to me academically and morally. He is no longer the moral person I knew. He has become something else...


  A rivalry sparked between the most unexpected of the least expected scenario. Between me and... Think I will address her as an anonymous for security and privacy reasons. She won me in P.S.L.E by just one mark. Then she beat me again in the 'O' Level Examinations, close enough. Well what did ya' know, a guy losing to a girl. Shouldn't I feel embarrassed? Actually, I didn't feel embarrassed at all. I felt no shame. What I felt was... a moment of confidence to get up and get on. This rivalry was indeed the reason as to why I never gave up in anything. This rivalry is the reason for my "never-dying" resilience.


  The dream I once had could have told me something... The one with me practicing some sorcery of unleashing a blast of flames from my hands... That girl, whom I can gladly admit is my girl best-friend, is pretty similar to The Wistful Guy... Talented, strong-willed and all...


  Now, my new goal, the post-'O'-Level-Examinations-goal, is to enter a University and finally win her, and maybe win The Wistful Guy at least once, too. It may seem like a far cry, but no matter how far it may be, I WILL make it one day.

I believe I can.

Blessings

  Today, I received my results from the teacher whom I once abhorred for her strict(yet lax) manner of teaching us in our English Language. This teacher was also the teacher... The very first teacher to give me a zero for my Literature test. I hated this teacher... But never shall my wrath continue to burn that way. It is time I hail my mortal blessings to this school. The school that, with white walls and brick floors, watched me nurture into who I am right now. I have the confidence to declare that I am proud to be an EVGian(Term to refer to students AND staffs belonging to Evergreen Secondary).

  I received my blessings from the teacher mentioned above, as well as the markers of Cambridge. Indeed, I do qualify for a Junior College. I can choose to go to a Polytechnic too; take the course I desire because I am more than qualified for them. 12 points for aggregate to Polytechnic, and 15 points for aggregate to Junior College. I could say I did fairly well, and who knows; I might actually have beaten my own brother, the dude who got into a better Secondary School than I do. However, I have to remain humble. I know there are others who have done pretty much better than me, and some who have done far worse than me.

  In the school hall were many other teenagers such as myself with arrays of expressions, ranging from radiant smiles for having done well or fulfilling their aspirations, to tears of depression for under-performing, to people shedding tears of joy because of the unexpectedness of their grades. Well, all I did was congratulated the people around me, comfort those who felt bad for under-achieving, and of course........... The plans for The Day.

  My results were a blessing. There is also another blessing I have received. Although it ain't much to enjoy or boast or even talk about... I managed to gather enough courage to... well... Actually I haven't settle it... I'm sorry, BX... I didn't keep my promise... Anyways, I found out that Someone has done sooo much better than me. That person is no other than Wei Min... Much as I have lost to her in P.S.L.E by one mark, I lost to her in the G.C.E 'O' Level Examinations TOO. Just a question... If she did so awesome in the 'O' Levels, then why the hell wasn't she allowed to take Additional Mathematics too? Well... Our grades are... Close enough.

  God... Why didn't I work hard enough?...

The Calm Before The Storm

  Tomorrow will the day when the grades of our secondary-graduation examination are revealed to us. The Principals of every school will announce to the entire cohort on how they have performed overall, and how did they fare against other schools. Then our teachers will personally reveal our grades, which we will have to make an important decision as to advance to a Junior College, or a Polytechnic.

  Many peers expressed their mortal anxiety in Facebook, so I do understand and am empathetic for them. True enough, much as I can bolster confidence to overcome anxiety, it is only natural for a human to be worried. Especially since I know of my weaknesses in certain subjects, particularly Humanities. My weakness in Humanities as a subject is not drastic, but I know I am bad enough to pass it only once in my entire two years of upper secondary school life, which is in the Preliminary Examinations. I knew by chance that my teachers were particularly too lenient while marking our papers, and I doubt the 'O' Level markers have that mutual shred of decency in marking MY paper. I screwed up both my Social Studies AND Elective Literature. Chances of me landing in a Junior College is that of how well I fare for that particular paper after increasing it by 5%... That means if I  score 50% for my Combined Humanities, then there is a 55% chance that I will consider over entering a Junior College. It may not be a wise move at all... Trust me... Many of my decisions have brought out pretty ugly consequences towards myself...

  Here comes the two big choices for me: Either I choose to compete a chunk of the entire Singapore youth population for a position in the School of Business in Polytechnic, or I can choose a more stressful but more meaningful education life in a Junior College, which I believe I can excel in as long as I remain confident and improve in my English Language and Mother Tongue. Friends encourage me to enter a Junior College, as they believe my 'standard' actually belongs to that of students with high potential for University studies. However, Family, and relatives, along with a friend or two, pressures me to go to Polytechnic so as to reduce the burden of having to pull up my languages as high as how tall I am right now while handling even more subjects than how many I have in my Secondary School life.

  What is in my mind right now is simple: I don't really care what happens to me in education. As long as I can get into a University and further study, and maybe go for a PhD, I am happy enough. My personal aspirations in education-related stuff and job-related stuff is simply aiming for a PhD. That is an aspiration; it is not a must. After all, life is short. We should choose to live the best out of this short period of life, right?

  Today is The Calm Before The Storm. I am happily sitting here blogging, enjoying some K-Pop music, enjoying a warm cup of booze. Tomorrow is the day familiar faces become even more familiar, like the looks on their faces a week before the first GCE 'O' Level paper. I will not enjoy myself tomorrow, so I might as well relax and make good use of my time to enjoy this last moment of fresh breath.