Prelim

Should I laugh or cry? Is it funny or tragic? I asked myself when I received all my results. Culd be an improvement. Could be a consequence for laxing too much. Could be a result of my decade-nurtured self-esteem. Could be a frosted reflection of my year-developed over-confidence. Either ways, the results are already out and there is no purpose to let go either. The momentum beats, only perserverence can marshall excellence into me. In the upcoming "War of the Scholars", only competition and more competition awaits. Our unpredictable results will soon determine whether we can overcome the wall of Fate. Our unexpected results can push other scholars up the wall, or pull them down. Whatever the case, no one in this world(maybe The Depressed Guy) would want to give themselves up to help others when they know they do not gain from it. In the minds of students, "I must do well and get ahead into a good tertiary school."... "I must work hard so that I can get into the course I want in Polytechnic"... "Don't need study. Just go Poly take whatever course I can."... "Everyone's gonna die in the 'O' Levels. Let's just die together."... I have heard all kinds of responses from my classmates upon receiving their results. The Preliminary Examinations are, unfortunately for the unfortunate ones, a perfect reflection towards their attitudes. I've got to admit that I did no better, but at least I am improving and is in the studying-momentum already. I feel really sad... Really oppressed for this guy in my class. I don't want to mention his name, but he was once a very talented and capable person. Is this tone familiar? He performed quite well for the past two years, for I only knew him that long. He was in the same band as me in Chemistry, was better than me in English Language, Physics, Mathematics and POA. He was that good, until when he met his downfall: Love. This is a perfect situation to quote from Admiral Ackbar: "It's a trap!" He fell in love with my 'jie'. I don't want to bring her name up too... Yes he was charming enough to get her attention. He also had the charisma for girls. A few weeks after they met, he proposed, she accepted. They became couples. Yes. Sweet couples. Sweet enough to hurt his heart bitterly in reality. Reality is the 'O's. He was silly enough to fall for this huge pit, when stress had got the likes of him, crippling his charms and heart-touching charisma. My 'jie' had to reject him. She was aware, he wasn't. Should one really pursue an impatient relationship in youth? Why not be patient and allow puberty to pass and pursue a decent career before a decent relationship? Soon after, he got depressed(For anonymity's sake, he ain't The Depressed Guy mentioned in paragraph 1). His ego was wounded, so was his heart. His resolve had extinguished as if a gust of death had blew over it. His Chemistry deproved from an outstanding C5 last year to a disappointing F9. I wanted to help him, as the 'di' of his ex, as a friend, or even as a classmate. But I can't. It would be like stepping into his life and pointing a finger at him and saying, "Hey dude, you have a problem." I guess I can only do what a stranger can do; wish him good luck. Anyways, back to myself. My Elementary Mathematics had suffered aheavy downfall, stripping off my capabilities for an A1. I got an A2 for it. This time, I truly blame myself for this poor focus and eye-to-mind coordination.. Am I suffering from some kind of disease called "Blurness", "Parallex error", "Squid-mind" or something? I frequently ask myself, "How the hell can I not differentiate between a union(u) and an intercept(n)? They are like the reflection of each other. Wish my eyes could improve. Or should I say, wish whatever that outside force is that is controlling me negatively please STOP?!?! My Physics also deproved, from 55/120 in the previous test(which is a fail) to 54/120 in this Prelim(which is also a fail, only that it is worse). Subjects like English and POA remains unchanged. C5 for English Language and A2 for POA. Exactly the same as last year. I have already dropped Chinese knowing that it is practically impossible for me to have enough time to find an iron needle under the sea. However, my Chemistry, Additional Mathematics and Combined Humanities have showed a visible improvement, though not obvious. I managed a B3 in Chemistry, which surprised not just me but all the Chemistry teachers who only classify me as the average ones in the entire Pure Science cohort. My Add Maths finally improved from an F9 in the Mid-Years to a C5 in the Prelims. Hope I can do better next time- wait there's no next time... In my entire two-years of Upper Secondary life I have never passed my Humanities. This time it was a relative surprise towards not just me, but the entire class. Only 5 passes in class for Social Studies, and I'm one of them. I glanced through my paper, only to realize that my SBQ had pulled my grades up. Then came Literature Elective, where I was also surprised that I finally understand the means of answering the esays. I also finally understood why Mr Chua always emphasizes on "A-N-A-L-Y-S-I-S". I tried analysing and managed a B essay, which in his opinion, is a near-distinction calibre essay. This comes to show that I am nearly there. Anyways, I managed a C5 for my Combined Humanities. "Time flies when you are having fun". Time flies? It can't "fly". It is a gift from our Father. If there were no time, humans would never have been humans. They would have been apes. Apes are Man's closest relatives right? They constantly work their way towards survival. Man is different; not only do they seek to survive, they also seek improvement. They constantly change for the better. All in the manner of resolve. Resolve is also a gift from our Father. Without it, we are just primates who find death to be both meaningless and inevitable. Change within us is as a matter of fact our common way of life. We change so much and can still fail to realize it. I have found my change from this situation. I found it, but also found it to be wry. This may be a whole new chapter in my story: Prelim and Change. from

Convicted

This feeling is familiar. Familiar as the time when I got into trouble with my ex-classmates. Trouble while arguing with another ex-classmate of mine. This time is different, yet the feeling is the same. Choked by conviction. I find it hard to inhale the clean truth. Why? O why am I choking this much? Have I finally gotten myself into trouble, just like that time? The Prom night in my school, dedicated to the graduating students, was organized by the Secondary Three Excos. For now I have no rights to judge their organization skills. But let's just say I have a slightly bad feeling about it. Back to conviction... At first I had troubles deciding on the seating in the Prom dinner thingy. I had to choose, with limited choices, two invitations. One was from a group of friends I met in my Upper Secondary life. The other is somewhat more foreign to me. With barely anyone I was close to. Here's the point: I was invited for the latter, but not the former. I had to decide between each, and eventually lead to the outcome; whether I might be left out by these losers intentionally, or I could join a group of strangers and get to know them. Me and one of my friend had to choose between one. Then... On the same day... September the 27th... Things finally come to a final. I had to decide. I don't want anyone to feel bad. My friend had already decided against the seating which a girl invited both of us. I had moments of doubts; conviction. I don't want to make that girl feel bad for rejecting her invitation. Since it would be like me saying, "I don't like you. Sorry." For now, I haven't made a decision yet. That girl seemed troubled by something... Perhaps over me? Perhaps over the other girl? Perhaps the 'O's? Even her tone in her message suggested her stress. I ought to be worried for her, don't I? There is an outside force controlling our lives, I reckon. Does God really rolls His dice over our lives? Does he determine our paths and futures with the flip of His coin? Should I really resort to fate and let our Father decide my life? Is destiny really so unpredictable? There's no time machine. Failure is also inevitable. My vision is blur; I can't find the truth behind the word "SUCCESS". I remember what Michael Jordan once said a motivational speech regarding failure... But does every downfall really count a step or two towards success? I can't take it no more. I want to live happy, and die happy if I was to. I can't give up. I can't defeat myself by giving up. I would tell myself to get up when I get knocked down. I would tell myself to fight on even after being smashed by a brick on my face. I would tell myself not to let go of the rope of life which holds me from death. I would never tell myself that everything's over. I will never waver and say "Die" to myself. I will survive. That's where I differ from many: Perserverence.

Cynical

In a zombie apocalypse, whoever gets bitten gets left behind. Unless if his or her comrades are dumb enough to allow a zombie to roam with them. While it is right to be selfless and help our comrades in times of need, we also have to be cynical sometimes and observe the circumstances. It is about the trust. I find it really foolish. That pathetically depressed guy. The decade-trust between us is now strained. I am beginning to lose hope in him. It's just too foolish for him to even forget to wish my-no, OUR friend's birthday. Does he really think that helping his so-called friend move house, just to gain a one-month friendship he desires, is wiser than to skip celebrating the birthday of one of his childhood friends? I'd say he missed the word "cynical" in his dictionary. All the ranting by Mr GE about this guy turns out to be prophet-sayings... How that guy leaves himself out and claims that everyone in his school leaves him out. How he turned into a classic jerk in school that made his own life miserable towards others just to gain sympathy; what he calls "friendship". People with "hearts of compassion" almost don't exist in this world. Sadly for him, "compassion" for him is forged only through such people, like ME (:D), Mr Rice and Mr GE. Maybe the compassion he desires in Mr GE is slowly smouldering away... Like a paper being lit by a lighter. Slowly burning away. The compassion within Mr Rice for him is also slowly fading away. Only a matter of time before that jerk's hopes of becoming a true "lone wolf" finally come true. Perhaps one day, he might lose mine too. Only a matter of time... If he were to take me for granted, I am human and has feelings. I am not God, nor am I saint. I might turn cynical towards him and leave him be, forever journeying alone. Forever hunted by agony. Forever stalked by his own shadow. It's just a matter of time.