I think I'm starting to get irritating and foolish towards all my friends. Guess I'm uncontrollable in a sense... Truth is, I have no idea what is wrong with me... I cannot stop mourning over defeat. I kept saying "I'm losing my sense of humanity." and stuffs like that. Do everyone experience that at least once in life, or does this feeling already have a name, which I assume is known as "mood swing"?

My hands are trembling. I type on the keyboard to forcefully. I'm losing out on my studies, as usual. I can't control myself from trying to avoid doing anything. It's like I have to do something, even if it means nothing good...

I'm taking everything too seriously. I have to find a solution to cool down. I'm just too tensed up...

"You deemed our efforts worth
as a class, a whole class.
One for all, all for one
You said you'd leave none.
But, there are some yet to be among us
A poor leader at birth."

This is an enclosed rhyme I've long kept to myself, since the start of today's "fill-in" CCD lesson. I was pissed by how the "outstanding" individuals in my class are good-for-nothings when it comes to leadership. Too bad for them that they've now got a guy like me objecting their leadership qualities. This all started ever since I've met them in the Secondary Three class, last year. I've already foretold of the uselessness of this class. I could bet my head that I could do better than these filth they brought upon themselves.

I was never elected nor granted authority in a group as their role model because they would choose "in" over "right". Basically, I would humbly allow my friend to become the group leader, for I knew it would be a strong blow over my reputation to be commanding over "dogs". Furthermore, I've never knew how would I do as one, was I even cut out to be a great leader in a community, or even a small group, or even a country?!

There were many things that frustrate me about this class, including the uncommitted attitude and insolence everyone were  in class, except me and some of the other guys and gals who'd never been that way. The people in my class are very sarcastic, they are serious about it; it is their general personality: not believing in themselves. I'm different from them, I've changed. I'm now the type of guy who could rise even after every downfall. They are indifferent from snowflakes of winter; fall and never rise.

The poem didn't have much planning, but I've tried my best to make it with a rhyme scheme of a,b,c,c,b,a. Hope you would appreciate the effort ;)

"Cowardice hurts, foolishness kills"

Today is Valentine's Day. I can see many couples out there. They are shopping... chatting... They did lots of things together. I dare not speak of myself for this special day; after all, I'm avoided. Furthermore, the 'O' levels are far more significant than some stupid unrequited bullshit. I'd spend my time at home and start revising for everything in school. I believe that staying low for now is a good idea. I'm skipping this Valentine's Day if it is meant do good for the both of us. BUT I do swear one of these days. I believe she will finally reply to my "persistent barking" one day... But what is the solution to lead to this? Would it be a miracle, through persistence, or maybe it might just happen tomorrow!

Who gives a damn? I have my own life to live, I have my own destiny to fulfill. I'm bound for great things one day. Such cowardly acts as to back down from a risky opportunity is indeed wasteful. However, to fall for defeat in the same thing once again, this is truly hopeless. Maybe I'll just stay unmarried in the future...

The motherfucker in Facebook, her unwitting Audition boyfriend, is getting more and more of a hassle. I think I have to get rid of him somehow... Or should I try getting him to fall for another girl? He might just be a typical playboy who sucks in life and wants attention in the virtual world... Bitch!

Born in Prejudice

Everything just cannot improve. Old dogs will always be old dogs. Old bitches will forever be within their own world. They don't know what is bildungsroman, so be it. However, my main message is this: I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!!

First I'm a mid-born. This means that whatever happens, I have to take the blame. I have to be compared to my elder brother, the first-born. I'm not him. I have my own life to live. I have my own friends or girl to love. Why should I be following every footsteps of my brother, in favor of nothing? Put it this way: my brother is a home-lover. He's a fucking couch potato. All he does is slack in front of the computer. He doesn't love any girl, except my cousin who is a real fucked-up bitch in reality. He is pathetic in his social life. Yet my parents called him a role-model? If were ever be made to follow his footstep, I'd lose my sense of love and relationship, all my friends and my sense of outdoor adventures. Not only that, I'd still not get my parents' favors. They disregard me. They even want to decide whether to disown me! I'm already going nuts over unrequited love and school pressure, yet they are enjoying adding fuel into the fire. Perhaps I might be forced to disown my life, or I could simply call them "uncle" and "auntie" and pay attention to them no more. That would be insane. They suck as... parents.

Next, my house doesn't even have a fucking proper table to do my homework. My room is shared. Secrets are impossible. Assuming that I had an I-phone and wanted to keep it a secret, they might eventually find it then call me a "weirdo". Is it really wrong to keep a secret? I can never do my own stuff in peace. I can never properly arrange my stuff; my "study desk" is used to thrash useless newspaper and old worksheet waiting to be used as wastepaper for my dog and my "out of the world" disgusting grandmother who I don't even know who the fuck is she, or he. So far, all my homework were done in school.

Finally, my entire family are sore losers, thus the reason why I kept despising myself as a sore loser. I'm a Cancer, I'm already expected to be sensitive. Yet I could stand up for myself. It was braver, not bravado. Those good-for-nothing people in my house are worse. They are unexpectedly sensitive. Take an offense and my younger brother will act emo and act cute by shutting the fuck up, making people think he treats his offenders as delusional and just go away. He's too scared to fight back. My parents are worse than worst. Even now, as I'm typing my blog, I usually lock the door. Then here comes the message: THEY ARE RETARDS! They thought I was watching pornography and MASTURBATING?! It was just rumors that teens like us nowadays are starting to commit into such weird acts. For crying out loud, I'm NOT THAT TYPE OF PERSON!! Maybe my father is...

I really want to tell these losers to SHUT THE FUCK UP about my life and FUCK OFF from my privacy. If they don't, I might go totally insane one day and end up slaughtering people around me with a knife or bare fist... God knows my capabilities when I really went mad.