Picture of my pet dog studying the dictionary. 'Nuff said.
It has been pretty relaxing these days. Something is wrong about this though... I find myself relaxing during the mid-semester test. Pretty unnatural for everyone else but me. Perhaps one might not find one such as myself to be a typical Singaporean who work too hard and prefer efficiency. In fact, I question the people around me, whether it is within the Poly I study in, an MRT interchange and so on: What is the point of working too hard? I understand that many locals would, upon reading this, hate me and wish me dead and so on. A common rat-racer's trait. Coming out on top and let no one else outrun them. Perhaps over-competition is another thing that has greatly influenced the social life of many people.
One thing that even a person like me did not expect in Poly is competition. There are so many other classes of the same course as my own. They wish one another to fail, and their own to score. Some of them whom I met before secretly wish I were dead. I could tell from their eyes that they did. Maybe I was partially paranoid or just over-expecting. I was never known to be a paranoid person in anything else but love. Maybe what I saw was in fact the truth. Evidently because of me overhearing some of the nonparticipating plastics in my class wishing our neighbors would screw up their tests.
The reason why I wanted to say this is because I was clearly different from others and find it kinda uncomfortable. Mentally uncomfortable. It was proven that I am one of the top three in my class, and it was proven that I am the top slacker of the entire business school. Everyone else would pick up their learning resources and scan through them, occasionally scribbling notes here and there. And yet I am the only one who would simply lie on bed and let my imaginations conquer me, gag in http://www.9gag.com/, laugh in http://www.memecenter.com/, play Left 4 Dead 2 with random people and Skyrim alone, go out and play a bit of basketball with... myself...
Here. I shall point out a really fatal flawed trait in me. It is not arrogance. I may be self-confident, but that would only be if I am SURE of it. The true flaw in me is: I am uncouth. It wasn't recent; it started all the way back to my early childhood, when I was 6. Funny that I can remember this even until now...
I always had my sense of fun through mischief but not in the cost of others' blight. I always had the tendency to present myself with poor choice of words. And that... That is how many people seem to find me weird. I mean... I am ME. I am not some movie star with scripts readily planned and revised. Often or not, I find myself having the difficulty finding something interesting to chat and discuss with friends and colleagues. That is a reason why most of my friends find me "quiet". I really find it insulting. Yet I have not the guts to actually speak my mind so freely. I did once to some close friends, and I never got to chat with them again. I find it especially insulting when all I could do is sit there quietly, listening to my friends chat over some I-really-don't-know-what like an industrial spy of sorts... Sigh... It really is hard to explain.
Okay... I will try to narrate out both scenarios. May not be accurate though. Hope you can at least get the picture:
Scenario One(Industrial spy):
A: "You all wanna go gym on Saturday?"
B: "Oh I don't want go on Saturday. Went there last Friday with my friends. Did 20kg bench press you know."
C: "I thought you do 25kg one? You look like you can you know"
B: "No cannot. Very tiring. Even 20kg I feel ripped. Cannot even move my arms"
C: "Eh at least you can still move your arms. Last time I did 30kg then the whole thing fell on my chest. Pain sia!"
A: "Then you Saturday come lah. I don't want to go gym alone. 8am can?"
...
Then came another topic. I wanted to say "I can do 25kg you know" but kept silent.
...
A while later, some people came to me and said, "Eh Alvin why you so quiet one?"
Scenario Two(Uncouth):
A: "See that guy over there?"
B: "Which one?"
A: "The long pink hair one. I thought he is a girl."
B: "He dye pink hair only want get attention lol"
C: "When he grow older he would regret it."
A: "Cos later his hair all drop right?"
C: "Ya. His hair scalp all damaged already. Dying hair is such a waste of money."
Then A notices that I also dyed my hair.
A: "You also dye your hair?"
Me: "Yeah. At least I did not bleach my hair like that guy. I dye for around $8 or so."
A simply nodded, while B and C didn't give a damn. Then they changed into talking about Diablo III.
Another thing that says that I am uncouth is how brash I can get sometimes. That was one of the thing that formed a mentality in me which greatly crippled my performance in sports. I can work well in teams, but at the cost of great risk of injuries in everyone including me. I was, for one, much more than everyone else in the game to actually "fly"(subsequently landing on the ground body first) just to retrieve a soccer ball and even do barrel rolls in soccer and dodge-ball. Even in those obstacle races I could easily rough up all the obstacles, helping or hindering the next competitors of my team.
There was this race thingy once when I was Primary One, where I accidentally tripped over this horizontal pole supported by two cones. While others were slim and fit and could just jump over or crawl, I was fatty and yet chose the former. I broke the pole. The other teams saw and laughed, but I went on. Next thing I knew,my team got the advantage of one less obstacle and one man(boy) through the race. That is why my team won first place. just too bad my mom threw away the gold medal which was clammed in between sheets of practice papers...
Even I am unsure on how I could correct this flaw. It is something that is born in me, you see... maybe God gave me this and slipped in some bonuses like the inner genius(My dad said) and unusual instincts twice or thrice or more than that of ordinary human being and something else. Here I am saying that even though I seem to be whining over my own flaws, I am in fact looking at the bright side of my life. I KNOW that any ordinary person would have given up on the love life I am having right now. Any normal person would have just let go of the girl I like and find someone else. I have not. 7 years of deathly perseverance. Anyone with a shred of depression would have took a lot of pills and overdose, or make some space on the window grid and did you-know-what. I saw her countless times actually chatting with other guys. Back then I would have cried and whined and dared myself to hurt myself. No. I didn't. I chose to believe. Believe in us. Believe in a future; an utopia. A happy life.
I screwed up a lot. I became a laughing stock countless times not as a joker but as a real idiot. I got looked down upon by many, many people, even my own parents, as a societal garbage. I am not a people-person. I am conflicted with either being brash in sports or lack the teamwork so as to ensure safety among others. I am uncouth. I can still point out many, many small flaws in me, but I certainly will NEVER let them glue my feet to the ground.
I am not really a good adviser, but my word of advice is: Don't always look North, South, East and West, for there is still a North-West and three more! :>
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