Yesterday was Christmas. Yet I didn't post anything in this blog. My apologies for not doing so, for I DO have reasons. I woke up exactly at 8am. My computer is in the master bedroom and my parents were still sleeping until around 10.30am. Then came my chores which took 1/2 hour of my life. I could only do so after my parents unlocked the master bedroom. Then here is the most stupid thing I could ever mention about my brother, the youngest son of my family. He is totally gay, is a biggest fan of "nigahiga" on Youtube and is addicted to a game called "Grand Chase" which I once named it a "very, very gay game" but he reversed it to "teehee", a favorite quote by his idol "nigahiga"... Basically, that's how he spent Christmas; playing a chase that isn't so grand as a game, while my elder brother, not as much a couch potato as my younger brother, still played his laptop and PSP. Weird people...

Today, my post may not be so short... I have much to say.

So... Today's post may have a one-sided point towards my bro, the one who have willingly supported my back when I am facing a problem these few years. I don't mean offense, so my apologies if this post happens to create doubts in you... I just wanted to say the truth, that's all.

When the 3 of us went to Bugis Square during Christmas? Me, BX and Razor Boy were on the MRT. The 3 of us chatted, but I just couldn't get BX to laugh, while Razor Boy was laughing maniacally on my asshole jokes. Yeah, BX told me, "Can you stop spouting nonsense?" After a while in the underground track. BX's mood started to change, so did mine. Y' know? This happened for the REST OF THE DAY... Until then after Spartan joined with us, did I make corny jokes for a mere 5 minutes. They did laugh, but after that went their jokes on 'topic of the day': arby n the chief. I am indeed a fan of Bungee and Halo, but this talk seemed alienating to me at first. I watched a bit, once in a while it was comedic. During dinnertime, they chatted and laughed a lot about that, yet I was claimed to be "bored". Wanna know the truth?

I wasn't bored, but I felt LEFT OUT. Like why am I here when I don't even seem to know much about the topic they can chat about ALL DAY. Am I just an extra? Was I supposed to be born WITHOUT friends and born alienated in society, where people couldn't even look straight at me for even 2 FUCKING SECONDS?!

BX told me to stop suffering. He wanted me to change. There is a quote I don't think anyone said before, but rather is a self quote:

"Teach a man the prevention to a disease, only after the teacher once suffered the disease and finally found a cure."

Here, BX. I shall be frank, yet hopefully without offense. You wanted me to be able to impress that girl, yet have you even found the root of all problems to this? You wanted me to be able to mix along with friends and leave the darkness, but have you ever experienced loneliness? What does it mean to be alone, not unwillingly and instead got avoided by people in school?

I have fucking BIG problems in my life. I don't know where I belong. I don't know what does the word "love" means anymore. I don't even know how to mix along with my friends... Jacky was right. I am indeed an utter social failure in life. I shouldn't have belonged here. That girl was better off as a scam and with that 18-years old fuck. I was better off dead. The 3 ex-classmate cronies of mine were better off being Left 3 Dead than with an extra. This fat, weak, dreamy, nosy, trashy and irritating extra... Not even worth a pinch of attention, right?