Refilled The Void

  They say only the man himself knows what he truly wants. It may not really be a lifelong goal, but he is content so long as this particular desire is able to fill his void, or is wide enough to seal the huge bleeding hole in his heart and soul. I am a man myself, and I can gladly, as well as honestly, say that not every man in this world thinks of sex more than love.

  I know I sound like a demented fool or something in this post. I don't really care actually, whether I am being judged. After all, Singaporeans are known for their unreasonable and ridiculous one-sided judgement on others.That particular fear of judgement and rejection in me had already been nullified, if not long gone.

  Anyways, if you happen to be uninterested in this post, you can just skip the part I highlighted in dark blue, because even I feel that it is gonna be like a really boring sermon of sorts. If you oh-so happen to be color-blind, then the ones highlighted would be the next 5 paragraphs.

  There was this void in me quite some time ago, where I lost a huge deal of social energy and skills. Before this void started to consume my personality, I was quite the talkative, mischievous and silly extrovert. Always looking on the bright side of life, never have I lost the slightest confidence in everything I do. I was able to interact socially even among a huge group of friends.

  However, it had been quite some time since I was that guy. Now, I can barely manage a 10 seconds conversation, neither with my closest friends nor with the coldest of strangers. I can claim that I am a die-hard fan of something, like K-pop girl bands, or NBA, or Halo, but I am actually nowhere near a fan. I felt as if I became a very ugly person inside out... Well, I was never good-looking in the first place...

  I am going to put this really bluntly, on how I lost a great deal of resolve and became this introverted, quiet loser:

  One day, I had a major tiff with both my parents for God knows why (I believe they were simply venting their anger by picking on me), I also found out on the same day that my girl best friend, who was also the girl I loved, had already been taken by someone who was a jerk towards me, who happened to be the best friend of one of my best friends. And the worst of all is that the 4 of us belonged to the same class in primary school for 2 years!

  I couldn't really get over it for quite some time, and it felt like I lost a great deal of myself over this mental assault. This costed my social skills and energy, where I became silent like a dumb mute in almost every conversation with a group of friends. Even if I tried, I still personally felt that I was either not trying hard enough, or just not welcome to talk.

  So why do you think this post is called "Refilling The Void"?

  Because I met that same girl just yesterday.

  This sparked my concern over her, because... Well... She dressed pretty inappropriately, revealing  a lot of her skin, above the chest and more than half her thighs. Although I told myself to try to get over our relationship, there was still a great deal of frustration and worry in me which costed quite a few hours of my sleep today...

  Therefore, the void in me is filled... In the negative way.

  Our second year in Polytechnic starts tomorrow. God... This will fill more than my void...