Punched

  Everything I found about whatever happened this year is just disappointing. I failed and I am still failing. Failed in getting good grades. Failed in keeping myself fit. Failed in romance. Failed in... Defeating myself. I am not being pessimistic; I am being realistic. All these failures not only serve as wake-up calls, but also a very painful mockery of all my misdoings. I got punched right in my blind spot.

  I am utterly disappointed that I actually got less than my target Grade Point Average (GPA) of 3.80. I bet most of us do. We are Asians; unless deluded by 'swag', we have naturally high expectations academic-wise. My target could perhaps be too high for someone like me. Now my chances of securing a position in a local University have become very narrow. This sort of bitch-slapped my hubris.

  I kept telling myself, "Dude, you got to wake up early." My definition of "early" is around 6am. My original plans were to wake up early so that I can shake off all the "unhealthy" stuff inside my body, that is water and water. People always fail to realize that I am actually not FAT, but my body just have high water retention. I just wanna go out for those early morning jogs, and maybe a little abs and cardio-training and stuff like that. Then I realize that, as I opened my eyes to the awakening, it is already 11am...

  It is pretty difficult to have self-esteem when I look like a damn water-bottle... This blob of water inside me, what we call a "belly"... Sometimes I wish I could just carve it out with a freaking knife. But that would just end my life, and I don't intend to, since I am too young for that. I guess I am an absolute failure in sports that require high stamina, especially running. I can't even run a goddamn 400m without panting. Sometimes, out of frustration, I would 'bite' the pain and struggle-jog another 1km before blood keep gushing into my brain and render the flames of madness. Could it be asthma? I don't think I have asthma. But that potato in my house has asthma too. So maybe I do?

  The most painful punch I got that day (After my previous post, before this one) was from... Well... The biggest failure in romance. So that girl already had a boyfriend, and it is someone I don't know. I tried for six years and just kept failing, because why? I NEVER TRIED! I have never tried anything in the first place, and there I was, still stuck in Dreamland. I failed as a coward. I failed really badly. So badly that even the Devil is laughing maniacally at me. And worse thing is: So many people cared for me for what was never meant to be cared for. I feel as if I have already lost half my life even in the start of this race.

  The best part of this year is that I was finally punched so hard that I finally awoken. I partially realized one thing: NO ONE likes lazy people. I was lazy for the past... Eight years. Maybe I can finally realize that I have yet to start this race. Many others have already passed several checkpoints, and I am still on the starting line. Perhaps soon I can find the right time. The time when I can blast off from my 'comfort zone'. The time when I can retrieve a good momentum and slowly, slowly gain speed. Soon, I can finally overtake most of my competitors.

  But when will that time be?