Comeback

  I do hope I'm not the only one who thinks at night... As in allow my mind to keep circulating and let creative ideas, wild ideas, future predicaments, and even horrible memories, run in my head. Well if I do find out that I'm the only one who does so, then it might be a psychological problem already... These days, in order to allow myself to fall asleep, my mind would circulate like a convection current until I become tired, and eventually, my mind blanks out. The conventional, latest time when I actually fall asleep would be around 1am. However, this is the fourth time in my life that I couldn't fall asleep until, like, 4am? Insomnia isn't really much of a deal to me. What worries me is that I really thought too much over something, which gradually fostered resentment, regrets and desolation.

  Last night, I kept asking myself, "How much have I sinned this world? What have I done in my previous life to relinquish His endless saga of judgement on me in this particular life?" There were many other things that I thought of, but so much details couldn't be housed in a single blog post, you see... One day, I might go to the temple with family or friends to voice my troubles to the deities, or go to the church near my apartment to confess my sins... I certainly hope that I won't go astray like spirits lost in their journey to the afterlife...

  Okay... I woke up exactly at 12 noon. During this short sleep, my dreams weren't dreams at all. Rather, they were replays of some of the thoughts that circulated in my mind. One particular replay which is still clearly etched in my mind (right now) was that certain "play" in my heart. If anyone ever experienced the "itch" in the heart which cannot be scratched, I'm pretty sure you'll understand. A very dense resonance; a powerful tone in a song that, once heard, can never be forgotten in life. The feeling of love not for family, but for that special someone.

  The most painful and effective way for one to fully understand the meaning of "Pain" is to experience it himself. I understood it, because I experienced it. Getting hurt and learning something new... Wry, isn't it?

  This is not the end yet. No... There will NEVER be an end. I've bit many bullets already. Bad results, loss of my beloved uncle and grandfather, loss of my parents' trust towards me, social rejections, weakness in many sports, phobias over many things of the occult, conflicts with friends, conflicts with teachers, betrayal of a great friend, loss of friends because of Fate... I've experienced too many painful incidents, yet I'm still alive! My heart still beats, and my arms intact. My brain is still functioning, and my mind flexible, and emotions and sympathy for those around me even stronger. Most important of all, my self-confidence has propagated too much since childhood. I'll try, for one last time in my years of secondary school life, to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness from friends who felt I've betrayed them. Forgiveness from friends who thought of me as an enemy. Forgiveness from friends who were potentially-hurt by my headstrong and reckless decisions. Forgiveness from teachers whom I've burdened by not being responsible enough to set a role model to my classmates whose attitudes were negative and nasty. Forgiveness from friends whom I wasn't able to lend my helping hand to. Forgiveness... (Wow, my heart kinda ached when I thought of this) from the girl, my childhood friend, for not being there for her. I'll do this... Even if I have to kneel and beg and cry, I HAVE to do this.

  P.S. Think I might want to get myself some sleeping pills today. Also, did I sound truthful enough?