What Upsets Me

Most of the time when I look "down" or appear as if my mouth was kept shut, it would be due to the extreme ulcers in my mouth. It hurts. Salt also doesn't do me any good. It'd be like slitting my wrist with a penknife. Is it worth it? Is it even worth the pain...? What upsets me is that the 'O' Levels are only 13 more days from the first paper. Time is ticking in every second I type this blog. I know what's right and what's not. I have to give in my attention toward excellence in the 'O' Levels. It isn't just the support from teachers(which appears really extreme to me) and parents(which is almost non-existent). It isn't a test. The 'O' Levels are like a huge mirror surrounding the whole of Singapore. It reflects not on how well we are prepared physically; it reflects on how much we have dedicated ourselves to strive, how much have we, not just as students but as youths, displaced our true potentials from our ever-growing resolves? The 'O' Levels mirror also has a post-it note attached to it, saying, "The strong-willed will survive, and the weak left behind." This may sound ridiculous, but I am partially uncertain whether I fall under the strong-willed category and continue to journey onwards, or stranded with the weak category like manure left for the grass to feed? What upsets me is that I barely experience hospitality within my school. I don't feel a sense of friendliness in many people in my school. Perhaps they were born prejudiced, believing that their quest in life is not to excel but to cripple. Maybe they slept in CCD periods and never knew the true Definition of a "friend". Maybe they only see love in people of the opposite sex, and never love among friends. Team-work... Is it a value? Or is it just two linked words bearing no meaning at all? Mercy... Is it a virtue, or a sin? Friendship... Is it a bond, or a tool? Perhaps it was ate that led me to this school to realize more about the outside world. The truth behind humanity. What upsets me is that my longest-known friend seems to be crumbling. He is fatigued. Christ Church Secondary might have been a harsher reality than my current school for him. God sure plays His dice over our Fates, unbiased. He is miserable. He wants sympathy, which people with sympathy will only say, "Oh, what a poor guy..." before leaving him alone. He never knew compassion existed in his TRUE cronies which he took for granted, mistaking it for perpetual sympathy. His friendship with me, the wistful prophet and the soldier boy is strained. He asks for sympathy from us. We gave him not sympathy. We gave him something invaluable: compassion. We flashed a light for him in his dark pit. But why does he refuse to see the light and shut his eyelids? He wants to live in his shadow? He wants to accustom himself into a life of only depression, loneliness and agony? He favors pain over making an effort? What can I do as his 8-years-long bro? Nothing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Maybe the only thing I can do is pray for him... What upsets me is that I fail as a MAN when it comes to boy-girl relationship. Why do I sense fear? Why am I retreating and hiding from her? Is my instinct acting against my will? Why am I so different from my usual self whenever someone brings her name up? I have yet to reconcile with her. I have yet to apologize sincerely in the name of my Chinese given-name's third character: "诚". I just can't let go of her... This heart-swelling resolve strangles the soul of love of mine. The more I push it, the more it propagates. It knows no bound; it might go beyond the limits of human sanity. I might die from heartbreak one day(I SAID MIGHT, NOT WILL). The countless times I deny to my love for her only pushes my heart-swelling more. All those talks with those in my school who believe I still liked her are rather futile. I told them, "I've already given up on her." Those words are like words with forced meaning, which will still grow in me. Anoter problem is that some of the girls who have a crush on me are still kept in the dark. I feel as if I have no guts to tell them about this. Why does that girl lay upon such painful impacts on me? Whenever I see her name anywhere, a maelstrom of nostalgia and regret stirs in my heart... So many things worry me. But I must not, and NEVER, lose hope. My not-so-close friend, Jun Peng, was right to have dragged me to the motivational talk. He made me learn a lesson, that "many tasks in one go may seem difficult, but always, always take one step at a time". Important and urgent... Urgent... Important... Not important nor urgent... The first shall be the 'O' Levels. After all I have to secure a safe future for myself. I have to mess my own life before messing with others'. Pretty indifferent from I have to save myself before saving others. I shall not waver. Yet. After the 'O' Levels, I can break down and cry and hurt myself and scold vulgarities in the public for all I care. Because I know what has to be done first has already been done. I shall repeat my motto. Again.

"I Will SurviveTo Do What Is Right."