Shortened Circuit

Really frustrated nowadays... No matter how many times I successfully control myself, it just goes out of control again. How long has this frustration been on for, I can remember it so clearly. In fact I have been counting the number of months it had been recurring in me. Not just a month. Not just 2 months. Not only 12 months. But 29 months. 29 months of frustration with how slow 'life' had been for me. How frustrated with life at home. The tortoise-pace of life. It had been a recurring frustration, one that might have robbed me of my rationalism. One that tested my temper time and again. Maybe one day I might have done smashing the computer into pieces. Maybe one day I might start wreaking havoc within my own 'home'. Maybe there will be once when my parents, who always thought of me to be a brutish demon, actually see me turn into one. That would be when my temper has finally broken permanently... I had always been a patient person. No matter how late my friends would arrive for an outing, I would wait for them. Even as my parents delay(as they does all the time) before we went out for meals and shopping and stuff, I would wait. Long ago when my computer was twice as fast as it is now, it was still slow. All my friends suggested that I get a new graphic card for the computer. So I asked my mum to get a new graphic card. But she refused. She always said no. Her reason was always the same: Short on cash. Upon hearing my pleas for a new graphic card for the computer so that I can go online and play games and chat with friends, she actually reduced my weekly allowance by $10, and reduced it again the following year. Instead of receiving $40 a week, I only received $30 last year, followed by $20 a week this year. Thus I had to go to the extent of... of lying to my classmates and insist on saying that I received $40 a week and saved half of it every week. It was only when I reduced to mostly skin and bones that my mother realized her mistake and returned my previously-conventional weekly allowance of $40 a week. Of course, I took advantage of it and saved up $35 and only spent $5 a week on that stick-biscuit snack called "Pockey". That went on until I eventually found out I suffered a slight malnutrition, which resulted in consecutive flu and occasional fever in me. I gave up this thriftiness. I have plenty of money now. By rights I should be able to buy a new graphic card with my scrimped-and-saved allowance. I remember going to causeway point's PC zone to ask for the price of a graphic card. The clerk said I had to check my CPU motherboard in order to get the right one. I went home and unplugged my CPU to check. However both my parents saw me trying to remove the motherboard and, in their usual conservative styles, threw accusations on me for trying to lose my temper and destroy the CPU. I knew I could never win their debate IN PEACE, so I gave up wanting to upgrade the fucking graphic card. Ever since that day, my doubt for my old man grew. He not only accused me of being rebellious, but he even cursed my high level of patience, which he insists of deceiving himself into seeing it low. I feel myself deviating from myself. I feel that everything in my life purposely made a wrong turn. Both my parents see my life a big failure. For God's sake: I AM THEIR SON! Or am I really not related to them by blood? Their level of patience had ALWAYS been low towards me. Every single word of mine which meant no harm at all always stir up heated arguments not worth fighting over at all. No matter how I did my best to sound formal and not insulting at all, my mother ALWAYS give me that despicable tone in her replies. Am I really so unwelcoming in this house? Am I not welcomed in this house? If they really hoped for me to leave, I might as well leave as soon as I may, so that I will not break my temper again. I will take flight away from this house of flightless souls. I will search for a change for the better instead of remain in a place of stasis. I will rather survive than die. No one might have realized it, but my PSP is now but a piece of junk... The analog was stuck and kept moving northwest. The sound system was permanently disabled when I did nothing to it at all. The battery lasted only two hours before running dry. The screen cracked. What can I do about it? Should I sell it to a karang guni(rag-and-bones man)? Should I just throw it away? Should I tell this to my parents who would never do anything about it? Well... Maybe I need to find a place to meditate. I might have to find a place of no sign of Man at all; maybe a forest beyond Singapore, or a soothing place like a beach in Sentosa? I might have to work on achieving inner peace. Worrying will only cripple inner peace. Being stuck with conservative faggots will only disable my rationalism. Maybe one day, somewhere in the future, I could go on a vacation with friends , not family, and enjoy life. Of course I will have to earn my fortune before I can do so...

A miasma of frustration, stress, depression and dejection.